Sometimes small office skirmishes and disagreements explode into full-on battle. And sometimes it’s just fun to get your war on. But, how you arm yourself when the shit is going down is half the battle. Little do you know that in your office you are surrounded by possible weaponry, both physical and technological. So read on, Rambo, and look at our 10 picks to assure you an office victory.

The Pencil Slingshot

How it’s done: You’ll need three pencils and a rubber band. Cut the rubber band and tie each end around a separate pencil. Stick the pencils into the top of your cubical and pull back on the rubber band. Place the third pencil in the slingshot and let it fly. But don’t let your mom catch you doing it or you’ll get a “that could put someone’s eye out!” And of course, she would be right.

Paper Nunchucks

How it’s done: Take the office newspaper and arm yourself like the ninja you know you are. Just take out a couple of good sections and roll the newspapers tightly until they form the ‘sticks’ about the thickness of a broom handle. Then cover them in tape to keep the papers rolled tight. Tape or stable 2 or 3 rubber bands to the tops so the nunchucks are now connected. Then do a leaping 360 and whip those bad boys into action.

Pen Gun

How it’s done: You’ll be the office Dirty Harry with this one. Take a ball point pen and pull the writing end and plug out. Use some string to tie one end of a rubber band at the middle on the pen. Then drop the ink tube back in the pen, but backwards this time, meaning, the writing end will be pointed out and goes in last. When the ink tube goes all the way in, use the rubber band to pull it back. When you release the rubber band, the ink tube will shoot out of the ‘barrel’ and at the office offender.

Bow and Arrow

How it’s done: Take the a ball point pen and remove the ink tube. Then use a knife or sharp object and use it to cut a hole completely through the pen shaft. Put a rubber band over each end of the pen shaft now you have your bow. Your arrow is the ink tube. You place it through the hole in the pen shaft and pull back the rubber band to send your arrow at your target. The Robin Hood tights are optional.

Rick Roll Warfare

How it’s done: This is the easiest way to score a blow and one that will keep your office enemies busy long enough for you to plan your next move. While it may not work in the heat of battle, if thought out it’s highly effective. Simply go to one of the sites that provides links to Rick Astley’s painful music video, “Never Gonna’ Give You Up”, and send that link to your office nemesis. The difference here is visit the sites that provide a way for you to mask the link and then does not allow them to click out of it or stop the video after it stops playing. The only solution is to turn off your computer. And you’ll be the victor again.

Ball of Fury

How it’s done: Find a couple rolls of tape (not the cheap Scotch tape, use the boxing tape) and make a tiny ball out of it. Then keep wrapping tape around the ball until you use up the two rolls. Now stick paper clips and tacks in it. You now have about a five pound ball with metal sticking out of it. Make sure to warn the victim with a “think fast!” before you whip it at their face from four feet away.

Throwing Stars

How it’s done: These are the pieces of paper folded to form a star, and done properly, the points can be vexingly sharp. Problem is they don’t throw very straight. The solution? Make a paper football instead. Those triangles don’t feel so good when they nail you in the nose at 40 miles per hour. If you don’t know how to make a paper football, you’re probably the office dork and should leave the wars to the big boys anyway. Or go here.

Sonic Grenade

How it works: We’re not sure, but you can buy them on-line and have them delivered to your office. When the pin is pulled, it emits a horrible, high-pitched sound until the pin goes back in. This is especially good on people with sensitive ears.

A picture of the standard Double Maul shooting technique.

The Double MaulHow it’s done: Mauls are those black binder clips with silver handles that can fold over. They come in different sizes and for this particular weapon, you need maul size 32 and size 19. Open size 32 and shove size 19 all the way in. Keep the silver handles squeezed so the gun won’t go off too early. When you are ready to fire, let go of the handles and the smaller maul will fly out at warp speed.
Maul Cluster

How it’s done: This is great for tossing into the cubical of an unsuspecting evil co-worker. You basically take a bunch of mauls and clip them tightly together. Usually 20 will do, no matter what the shape or size. The result is a mass of metal that smarts when dropped or thrown onto the head.

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