Life is all about small pleasures – one-dollar beer night at your local beverage den, finding candy in the couch, remembering the lyrics to the song you’ve been singing in your head for the past three weeks – so sometimes it’s just nice to get back to basics with an old-fashioned, pubescent makeoutfest. Sure, you can do the nasty twelve ways from Sunday, but remember the butterflies, the longing, the douleur exquise of only being able to occasionally get to first base? Luckily, the movies that made those memorable nights possible (aided heavily, perhaps, by the Peppermint Schnapps you stole from your parents’ liquor cabinet) are now on hi def Blu-Ray, ready and waiting for you to snap them up and make like a sexually frustrated tween with a much more advanced liquor collection.
Interview with the Vampire
What do you get when you put Brad Pitt, Christian Slater, and pre-Oprah’s-couch-debacle Tom Cruise in a movie together (and make two out of the three into semi-homo-erotic Vampires)? A protein-filled sandwich of girl-pleasing delight, that’s what. Women all across the land have dreamed of getting it on with one – or all – of these men, Vampirically or otherwise, so it stands to reason that once she’s entranced by the dulcet tones of Brad Pitt’s awkward accent, your advances will be met with success (even if it’s only because she’s imagining that you’re a 200-year-old dead guy with solid abs). Make your move when Tom Cruise goes super-vamp, because nine times out of ten you will have stumbled upon a fantasy that you can then helpfully reenact right there on your futon.
Blame it on the Disney Channel, but most (if not all) girls grow up thinking that being rescued from a life of prostitution and general no-goodnicking by a wealthy playboy like Richard Gere is pretty much the only way to live a successful life. Pretty Woman is a 20th-century fairy tale that, like a fine cheese, only gets better with time, whether due to the unexpected appearance of hair on Jason Alexander’s head or its enduring ability to get you ass on your pullout couch. Make your move when R.G. makes his, on the piano, after waiving away the wait staff; it’s when he really lets down his defenses to the hooker with a heart o’ gold, which will please your partner immeasurably.
Scary movies guarantee physical closeness between interested parties of the opposite (or same, however you roll) sex. (And let’s be honest: that dude is pretty effing scary.) Alien is a good choice because it’s actually a decent movie – not that you plan to watch it, ace – so you can get away with suggesting it as a legitimate cinematic choice and not just a fasttrack to groping in the dark. Make your move as soon as she turns to hide her face in your chest, and don’t come up for air until the pod’s heading back to earth. Do you really need to see this movie again? We thought not.
What’s more romantic than a guy who has 40-something blades where his fingers should be? Not much, as far as we’re concerned. The Burton-Depp machine has a weird way of making crazy half-monsters loveable (which should bode well for you during the course of the evening). Helped along by Danny Elfman’s haunting music, Edward Scissorhands can make an insta-date out of any ol’ movie night. Make your move as soon as Eddie begins crafting his ice sculpture masterpiece. It’s just… so heartbreaking.
Courtesans, like hookers, just want to be loved. The catch, you see, is that they can’t, unless it’s by someone with a rubberband bank in his pocket and a sweet ride (see: T.I., Pretty Woman), so Moulin Rouge’s inherent tragi-romance lies in the fact that the penniless sitar player must rely only upon his beautiful poetry and boyish good looks to court the most beautiful glorified escort in all the land. Unsurprisingly, heartbreak ensues, but not before our heroes have had a chance to dispense with some awesomely romantic singing and a midget falling through a roof. Make your move right after the Elephant Love Medley (obviously), accompanied by the sweet sounds of the overly-jovial, opera-singing moon.
To every high-class girl who’s ever sung along loudly to “Uptown Girl” and dreamed of a downtown man, Titanic is the epitome of wet-dream-come-true. The setting: the middle of the ocean. The conceit: hot, scrappy lad takes a liking to a fancy lady and gives it up to her in steerage (NSFW), which is a euphemism, and also true. Make your move during the steamy car sex scene, which gives you about an hour and a half until the random guy falls off the boat and hits the propeller, at which point the mood will most likely be broken. Much like that poor man’s body.
Sex and Lucía
This one might not be a fair entry, considering it’s basically arthouse porn, but it’s one of those movies that makes it basically impossible to keep your hands off your viewing partner; thusly, it helps to choose someone attractive with whom you wish to have illicit relations when watching this film. The title pretty much says it all: Lucía has a falling-out with a lover and heads to a remote tropical island to work some stuff out, most of which involves a whole lot of naked. The film is in Spanish, but that won’t matter to you, because you can make your move pretty much any time and then forget that you’re even watching a movie.
Of course, romantically-inclined or not, no movie list is complete without the Godfather of makeout cinema: Casablanca. The down side is that you might have to wait until “maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life” to get any, because most women yearn for a different ending every time they watch this movie and believe that by staring intently at the screen they might just be able to change the outcome. The upshot, though, is that you can casually reference how tragically beautiful it was that Casablanca, one of the greatest love stories of a forgotten generation, was the very thing that begat Dylan and Kelly, one of the greatest love stories of our generation.
Many a young gent has enjoyed great sexcess under the tutelage of Lloyd Dobler’s patented method of woman-wooing, categorized by feats of incredible upper body strength and giant boom boxes. If this movie doesn’t remind her about how glorious it is to just give up and give in to the eponymous slacker, then nothing else will, and you should probably just cut your losses and move on to the next unsuspecting victim. Alternate scenario: she becomes putty in your able and willing hands. If you chose B, then make your move when Peter Gabriel croons “the light, the heat,” the so on, the so forth.
Ah, Ghost. Besides reminding us that cities are scary places and that the Righteous Brothers know their way around a flute ballad, this movie made us laugh, cry, and go at least 23 rounds in an all out tonsel-hockey war back in the squandered days of our youth. There isn’t a woman in the world who can watch this movie without wanting to clutch whomever’s closest to her tightly to her bosom, so make your move after the hot ‘n dirty pottery wheel scene (hard to believe that such a word combination found its way into the same sentence), but be sure to pause for heartfelt reflection as P. Swayz makes one final play for Demi before wafting away into the ether, as it is an invaluable place to score sensitive guy points, which you will later cash in for more advanced forms of compensation.