Gwyneth Paltrow

 

The actress Gwyneth Paltrow recently blogged about her pending separation from hubby Chris Martin. In her post, she grandiosely referred to the split as a “conscious uncoupling.” As the new “it” euphemism for breakup, we identified ten prospective exes and why we should uncouple from them.

Gwyneth Paltrow herself
On her highly controversial celebrity mommy blog Goop, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow star Gwyneth Paltrow announced her imminent separation from Coldplay crooner Chris Martin. Paltrow couched the news in the now infamous phrase “conscious uncoupling,” suggesting a more civilized state of dissolution than that enjoyed by those of us toiling in the muck of non-celebritude. She and Martin may be uncoupled, but until Goop is completely eradicated from the Internet, the rest of us will have no such closure.

He’s an honest-to-god professional sports media person who thinks Tim Tebow is a good football player. The world is often a terrible place.

Malcolm Gladwell
The New Yorker writer and author of the bestselling books The Tipping Point and Outliers has made an lucrative career out of extrapolating pseudo-scientific theories from anecdotal evidence and putting them forward as heretofore unexamined truths. But don’t let his awesome hair fool you. “America’s Best-Paid Fairy-Tale Writer,” as he was dubbed by The New Republic, is little more than a silver-tongued charlatan whose omnipresent “insights” more often than not amount to unsubstantiated nonsense. If we could painlessly uncouple from Jonah Lehrer, we can do the same with Gladwell.

Daniel Tosh
I worked at Comedy Central awhile back, and at one point was tasked with painstakingly going through every episode of Tosh.0 to date. It was arguably the worst two weeks of my life.

Skip Bayless
This is a tale of two brothers. The first—let’s call him Rick—is a sweet-natured host of the PBS cooking show, Mexico: One Plate at a Time. The other, Skip, is a loud-mouthed sports pundit who deliberately invites controversy (and ratings) with race-tinged innuendo. He’s also an honest-to-god professional sports media person who thinks Tim Tebow is a good football player. The world is often a terrible place.

If the caveman’s diet was so good, how come he’s dead?

Vladimir Putin
You know what would be awesome? Another Cold War. And that’s just what the oft-shirtless terror of the Caucasus seems set to give us with Russia’s recent military annexation of Crimea. Putin rules over Russia in much the same way as his Communist forebears. He’s an all-powerful despot presiding over a massive kleptocracy fueled by oil revenues and vodka. It’s all a desperate cry to uncouple from the decadent West! I only hope Stallone has enough left in the tank to stick it to the Ruskies one last time.

The Paleo Diet
As far as the unending string of diet fads go, the Paleo isn’t all that bad. Cutting out processed foods and refined sugars is almost certainly more healthy than not. But there are two things to consider here. If the caveman’s diet was so good, how come he’s dead? And, perhaps more importantly, there’s no place in the Paleo diet for booze. Just how am I supposed to unconsciously couple without beer?

Buzzfeed quizzes
“How lazy are you?”
“Are you cool?”
“What arbitrary thing are you?”
“How well do you know Love Actually?”

The answer to all of these sundry quizzes, Buzzfeed, is “Go fuck yourself.”

Google Glass
My favorite video on the Internet lately was one a woman took while being “assaulted” in a San Francisco bar for recording someone with her Google Glass. Sarah Slocum, the injured party, sees herself as practically a freedom rider when it comes to making the world safe for Glassholes, as Google Glass wearers are popularly known. “I’m glad though, that I can hopefully help bring and shed some light on the fact that this is a great technology that can be used to prevent these types of incidents,” she explained on the local news. I give it one month before some early-adopting idiot gets straight-up murdered for poking their Glass where it don’t belong. Let’s all of us stop this thing before someone really gets hurt.

Josh Charles
Dude, you just ruined my favorite show on network TV. There can be no forgiveness.

The NSA
Hello, National Security Agency. If you’re reading this, I’m in no way suggesting that Americans should demand accountability from our unelected shadow government and put a stop to warrantless wire-tapping and mass data mining. Furthermore, I would vigorously denounce anyone implying that we should consciously uncouple from the manufactured climate of fear and distrust that has allowed intelligence agencies to run roughshod over our Constitutionally guaranteed rights as American citizens. Nope. I’m definitely not saying any of that.