Okay, okay, okay, we know you’re way too manly to read Harry Potter. Let’s all just agree that’s true. But say you did read it. Or say you did your uncle a solid and took the nieces to see the movie. Let’s say that.
Now, let’s make it so that experience was not a total and utter waste of your time. After all, a man of substance does things efficiently and resolutely! He wears a watch because there’s a limited number of hours in a day, and there’s sh*t to be done in said hours. Maybe Harry Potter can use magic to put more hours in the day, but for those of us who can’t do that, here’s a few lessons well-learned from Hogwart’s School. Here’s another look at the wizarding world in this honest Harry Potter trailer.
It’s not the size of the wand, but how you use it
A lot of ladies out there will only focus on your wood. But don’t worry about the length, rigidity, or relative girth of your particular instrument of magic, it’s all about how you flourish it. For instance, Harry’s got a 13-incher. That’s substantial. That’s more than a lot of witches would be willing to tangle with. But, Hermione was certainly up to the challenge with her instrument at an average 10 3/4 inches. That girl knows how to handle wood. Regardless: sometimes the simplest spells, done perfectly, get the best results.
Rules were made to be broken
Live hard now, and ask questions later, baby. That’s the way Harry rolled when he heard there was a Mountain Troll in the dungeon. He went and kicked its ass with little to no magical know how. You know how it worked out? He was a hero, and he took out an obstacle 10 times his size and many times more wily than his detractors would say he could handle. This is the way you should also roll. A good rule of thumb is to just assume your 10% more able than any of your coworkers, competitors, or even superiors, and break rules accordingly. TPS reports are for suckas. This rule doesn’t necessarily translate to your social circle, though. Which, of course, brings us to…
Listen to your patriarch
Act like you’ve been there. But, since you may not have been there (or you wouldn’t be acting), it pays to take the advice of a grizzled, intriguing man who has. Maybe you don’t have access to a biological dad for some reason (like he was blown up by an evil wizard). But there are plenty of patriarchs out there offering a few, carefully chosen, well-timed words of wisdom that subtly hint at a fathomless sea of hard-earned knowledge. Should you ask Sadie to the dance? Maybe. Your friends tell you that, no, she’s way out of your league. But your friends might not be the best people to take advice from. Maybe you need a patriarch like ours to tell you the answer.
Always know what’s in you drink before downing it
Butterbeer is delicious — it can be created by pouring 3/4 of a pint of a light beer like Stella Artois and pouring one ounce of butterscotch liqueur into it. There are also figurative interpretations of this rule, but frankly, after a few butterbeers they seem less important than the simple pleasure of a pint with friends.
Finishing school is for the weak
It’s usually a pretty good idea to finish your formal education, but if you’ve got the chutzpah, the cojones, the strut, the zazz and the know-how, then just get on out of there and get on with your life. The one thing most every successful entrepreneur has in common is that they take what they can from their surroundings (job, school, girlfriend, etc.) and get the hell on with things. If you’re learning what you want to learn in school, awesome. If you’re learning about folk dances in Colonial New England, maybe it’s time to get on with it and start your own record label. Or get your pilot’s license. Or both (Note to self: start Sky High Karaoke Club business). Those who can’t do, teach (except this guy). But those who can do are named Bill Gates, or Richard Branson, or fuggin’ Walt Disney.
Sometimes you have to fight a bitch
Don’t back down when you know you’re right because it pays to stick to your guns, man. And, when push comes to shove, sometimes pushing comes to shoving. We don’t encourage fighting, we just acknowledge that sometimes, it’s necessary to either keep the peace or put a first-rate douchenozzle in his place. Even the law acknowledges that in a much less bloggy way.
Don’t take on more than you can handle
Harry Potter can warp. He can magic himself instantly from one place to another. But if you do this badly, or you’re distracted, you “splinch” yourself. That means half of you warps, the other half doesn’t, and all of you is dead. Don’t splinch yourself! Don’t do something half-assed because, although you might not die, you’ll certainly not end up where you’d like to be.
It’s better to be lucky than good
This is especially true when it comes to the Triwizard cup, but it’s true to a certain degree all the time. It’s great to be good, man, but sometimes you’re just going to get a good, ol’ fashioned reaming by Big Mamma Fate. And when that happens, you’d better hope you suddenly stumble upon someone you met once that for some reason really wants to help you out of a tight spot. Which brings to mind another point: don’t discount anyone you come into contact with, because you never know who’s going to have a sudden urge to save you from destruction, whether at work or while fighting evil outside the local pub.
The hero always gets the girl
To quote Sean Connery from a much-less-magical-but-still excellent film, The Rock:
John Mason: Are you sure you’re ready for this?
Stanley Goodspeed: I’ll do my best.
John Mason: Your “best”! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
Hermione: She only likes you because you’re the chosen one!
Harry: But I am the chosen one!
Have no fear of death
“In the Tibetan philosophy, Sylvia Plath sense of the word, we’re all dying.” – Narrator in “Fight Club.” We’re all headed to the big, enchanted castle in the sky someday anyway, so why not live it up and not worry about what’s coming down the pike no matter what we do anyway? Whatever happens, do not go gentle into that good night, but rather run screaming into that big forest knowing that living like a hero means being remembered as someone who repeatedly kicked ass, took names and lived it up at every turn.