Amazing Stephen Colbert painting by Todd Lockwood

1. The hacker bug Heartbleed freaks out the entire Internet
Let me get this straight—we have to change all of our passwords? But what if we’ve run out of Parks and Recreation character names to insert numbers into? [Reuters]

2. Stephen Colbert is taking over for Letterman!
But will we still get that awesome flag-eagle graphic? Let us pray network television doesn’t neuter Colbert’s cutting satirical wit. [CNN]

3. Oldest-known message in a bottle found by grizzled fisherman
In 1913, German hiker Richard Platz tossed his missive into the Baltic Sea. A century later, the entire world got Sting lyrics stuck in their heads for, like, a week straight. [Huffington Post]

4. Irwindale, California, declares Sriracha a public nuisance
That neon-red chili smell from the Huy Fong Foods factory is giving locals headaches. The rest of the country fears a future full of bland Pad Thai. [Guardian UK]

5. France bans checking work e-mail before 9am and after 6pm
Unions and employers have agreed that work-life balance officially matters. Remind us why we haven’t moved to Paris yet? [Gawker]

6. Ted Leo and Aimee Mann join forces as the Both
Their new collaborative album, out April 15 and streaming in advance on NPR’s website, rocks as promised. Their “Milwaukee” video proves that they’re also kind of hilarious. [NPR]

7. Papyrus about Jesus’s wife is probably not a fake
According to scientists, a fragment of ancient text about Christ’s better half is likely the real deal. The church patriarchy adjusts its miter and mutters something unintelligible. [New York Times]

8. A performance artist is living inside a bear
In Paris, Abraham Poincheval is spending 13 days in a compartment inside a taxidermy ourse. Okay, okay…but did he slice it open with a lightsaber? [Laughing Squid]

9. Utah and Oklahoma gay-marriage cases head to federal court
Two of the country’s most right-wing states appeal their same-sex marriage bans. We hear the dodo didn’t want to go extinct, either. [Guardian UK]

10. The final season of Mad Men starts Sunday
Don Draper & Co. go bicoastal to round out the 1960s. We’re not sure what to predict, except that Pete’s hairline will probably get even sadder. [Time]