1. Secret Service chief resigns amid scandal
Secret Service director Julia Pierson stepped down this week amid accusations of grave oversights. The latest in Secret Service suckitude came when a guy scaled a fence and managed to get pretty deep into the White House before being stopped by an off-duty guard. Investigations also revealed that back in 2012, a drunken Secret Service agent gave details of Obama’s campaign schedule to a Romney aide in an attempt to impress her. Keystone Cops alert, y’all. [NPR, TheHill.com]

2. Activists and counter-protestors clash in Hong Kong
Democracy protestors staging a sit-in in the shopping district of Mongkok were set upon by around 1,000 pro-government reactionaries today. Police were called in to intercede between the two groups after the attackers began to tear down activists’ tents and hurl water bottles. [Guardian]

3. Will Ferrell berates Derek Jeter for four straight minutes
Taking a cue from the Family Guy school of comedy, a Red Sox–capped Will Ferrell goes postal in this sublimely ragey Funny or Die clip, in which he rails against the recently retired Yankees shortstop in a Boston accent. “You’re a bum! You’re a bum! Look at me, Jeter! Jeter, look at me!” Watch below, and see how long you can take it. [Funny Or Die]


4. First case of Ebola diagnosed in U.S.; disease rates increase in Africa
Thomas Eric Duncan, a Liberian man currently under quarantine in Texas, is the first person in the country to test positive for Ebola. According to the CDC, he may have had contact with as many as 100 people. The virus continues to spread at a terrifying rate; according to human rights org Save the Children, five people are infected every hour in Sierra Leone. [Washington Post, Al Jazeera America]

5. Pluto is a planet again, maybe?
My Very Excellent Mother may Just Serve Us Nine Pizzas again. Pluto was booted out of the planet gang back in 2006 by the International Astronomical Union. But last week, a panel at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics met to debate that point—and they decided that the scrappy little ice rock is a planet after all. The jury’s still out, but we’re firmly Team Pluto. [CNN]


Aeromobil 3.0

6. Flying car prototype coming to Vienna
Slovakian company Aeromobil have created a winged, Batmobile-looking Flying Roadster, which it will show off at Vienna’s Pioneer Festival at the end of October. About bloody time, The Future. [Guardian]

7. Unemployment rate falls below 6 percent for first time since 2008
Is that a light at the end of the tunnel? American hiring numbers are at their highest in years—all the way down to 5.9 percent, as compared to 10 percent during the worst of the recession. Don’t call it boom times just yet; but hey, things are looking up. [New York Times]

8. A whole bunch of walruses take over northwest Alaska shoreline
Hey, climate-change deniers: Tell it to the walruses. Around 35,000 of the tusked behemoths have decamped to Point Lay, Alaska, due to shrinking sea ice in arctic waters caused by—you guessed it—global warming. [MSN]

9. Archeologists find Dracula’s dungeon
In the 15th century, Vlad the Impaler—the real-life inspiration for the world’s most famous vampire—was imprisoned in Tokat Castle in northern Turkey. Now, archaeologists excavating the fortress have uncovered a secret passageway and two dungeons where ol’ Vlad was likely kept. The scientists brazenly neglected to bring Buffy Summers or Van Helsing along with them, let alone a vial of holy water. [Huffington Post]

10. Pig steals beer, fights cow; grocery clerk steals meat in pants
It’s been quite the week for absurd larceny. In upstate New York, an A&P employee tried to abscond with $1,200 worth of meat by stuffing it down his trousers, and wound up in the clink. But he’s got nothing on a feral pig in western Australia, who downed 18 beers left out at a campground. The drunk-off-its-face swine the proceeded to pick a fight with a cow, who chased the pig around a car in retaliation. …And the dish ran away with the spoon. [Lohud, Gadling]