1. Too Many Cooks video confounds, delights entire Internet
We can always count on you for a weird, weird laugh, Adult Swim. Last week at 4am, this absurdist gem aired to a privileged audience of stoners and insomniacs, but the tweetosphere dug it out of obscurity today—and thank God. All we can say about this epic, bizarre, mind-twisting parody of sitcom credit sequences is … just watch it. And sorry in advance about that song being stuck in your head for the rest of the day. [Rolling Stone]

2. Republicans sweep midterm elections
Nice job making it out to the polls, Democrats. (Did you see how we used sarcasm there?) The GOP took over the planet on Tuesday with broad wins in the Senate and in state elections across the nation. Guess it’s no surprise that a few days later, same-sex marriage bans in Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee were upheld by the U.S. Court of Appeals. We’re in for a rough year, America. Brace yourselves. [The AtlanticUSA Today]

3. Obama doubles U.S. troop presence in Iraq
So much for that light touch. Today, the President quietly beefed up the U.S. military presence in Iraq by adding 1,500 ground troops to join in the fight against ISIS. Supposedly, they’re just there in an advisory capacity. Hmmmm. [Guardian]

4. New clock challenges nature of time
A giant, basement-sized clock at the University of Colorado-Boulder is the most accurate in the world, and is designed to keep perfect time for 5 billion years. But the craziest part: This thing is so precise, it may disprove that time as we understand it is even real—because at this level of exactitude, time fluctuates the further you get from Earth’s core. Technically, your head is further ahead in time than your feet. We’ll just let you sit and weep about that for awhile. [NPR]

5. Star Wars: Episode VII finishes filming, gets title
The Force Awakens! It’s The Force Awakens. J.J. Abrams wrapped up shooting on his rabidly anticipated entry to the Star Wars saga on Thursday, and released the subtitle as a nice little present to fans. It’s hard speculate what the awakening of the Force (which was snoozing, presumably?) might mean, but it sure beats the hell out of Attack of the Clones. [EW.com]

6. Obama to nominate Loretta Lynch as Attorney General
It ain’t all ground wars and Republican takeovers in D.C. The prez has picked Eric Holder’s successor to the post of Attorney General, and it’s Brooklyn federal prosecutor Loretta Lynch. She’ll be the first African-American woman in history to hold the post. Lynch is known for her history fighting against police brutality and handling terrorism cases. [New York Times]

7. AC/DC’s Phil Rudd tried to hire a guy to kill someone … or not
Drummers, man. Earlier this week, the rocker was booked in New Zealand on charges of attempting to hire a hit man two off two unnamed victims, but the case has since been dropped due to lack of evidence. Rudd still stands accused of drug possession and making murder threats—which basically just means he’s on trial for being too rock n’ roll. [BBC]

8. Australian guy with death wish surfs on a dead whale
Here’s something that is not at all a stupid idea: Perth resident Harrison Williams was out on a boat with his buddies when they saw a dead whale floating belly-up in the water. So naturally, he decided to leap on top of it and “surf” while sharks surrounded the rotting carcass. “Mum thinks I’m an idiot, dad’s not too proud either,” he said. [SFGate.com]

9. Catalonians voting on unsanctioned independence from Spain
In spite of a ban by the Spanish government, separatists in Catalonia will hold a vote this weekend to decide whether the culturally unique region should be its own state, and whether that state should be separate from the rest of Spain. [Bloomberg]

10. Lake Michigan is lousy with zombies
The undead have taken to the Great Lakes! They LIVE! Well, okay, not really. But a haunted-house barge did sink off the coast of Chicago on Halloween due to high winds, taking 50 fake zombies down with the ship. They’ve been popping up in the water ever since, which is all very Dead Marshes of Mordor. [Huffington Post]