1. The World Cup gets underway in Rio
The most popular sport on earth is being watched by a good chunk of the people on earth. Yesterday, Brazil trounced Croatia in the opening match after a paraplegic child in a high-tech exoskeleton kicked off the month-long competition. And may we remind you, America: The rest of the world calls it football, not soccer. [Bleacher Report, CNN]

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2. Tensions rise in Iraq; U.S. holds off on intervention
Shiite cleric Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani has called for Iraqis to arm themselves against Sunni militants, leading to fears of an Iraq War 2.0. In a speech today, President Obama said he wouldn’t send in troops, but is exploring “options” if the insurgent threat grows. [New York Times, Washington Post]

3. Vast underground ocean discovered near Earth’s mantle
Northwestern University scientists have found evidence of a body of water that’s three times the volume of all the planet’s oceans combined, located 440 miles beneath Earth’s surface. The good news: The beaches are totally crowd-free. The bad news: It’s pretty impossible to get a tan.

4. Man performs “All By Myself” all by himself at Vegas airport
When Richard Dunn got stuck at McCarran Airport on an overnight layover, he used his iPhone camera and some MacGyver-style DIY dolly rigging to film this epically hilarious music video, set to Celine Dion’s weeper. We knew those moving sidewalks had to be good for something. [Las Vegas Weekly]

5. Computer passes the Turing Test
Russian researchers created a program that successfully convinced a human judge that it was a 13-year-old boy named Eugene Goostman. The Singularity approaches—or at least, the potential for some really scary robot cybercrime. Either way, we hope Eugene has a lovely bar mitzvah. [Gizmodo]

6. World’s coolest dead woman parties at her own funeral
Call it Weekend at Miriam’s: After New Orleans spitfire Miriam “Mae Mae” Burbank passed, her daughters had her body displayed sitting upright, wearing awesome sunglasses while holding a cigarette and a glass of Busch beer. To top it off, a disco ball was placed overhead, and her fingernails were painted in the colors of her favorite team, the Saints. Forget cremation—THIS is the way to go out in style. [PIX11]

7. Harrison Ford injured by Millennium Falcon
Watch out, Han! While filming Star Wars: Episode VII, the 71-year-old actor’s ankle was broken by the door of his very own spaceship. Ford is currently in recovery. Don’t worry, she’ll hold together. …You hear me, baby? Hold together! [The Verge]

8. The Onion launches ClickHole
Suck it, BuzzFeed and Upworthy. The parody geniuses at The Onion have debuted a website devoted to nonsense viral content like “10 Hilarious Chairs That Think They’re People” and “You Won’t Believe How Cheap This Stock Video Of A Woman Sitting On A Swing Was.” Our guess is that lots of people on the Internet will be too dumb to get the joke—which will make it even funnier. [Clickhole]

9. George Bush Sr. skydives on his 90th birthday
To mark nine decades of life, the 41st President parachuted out of a plane over Maine—his eighth jump since 1944. We may not agree with his politics, but we can’t fault the man’s celebration style. [EW.com]

10. Thousands of pounds of beef recalled following mad-cow scare
More than 4,000 pounds of cow distributed by Fruitland American Meat have been recalled, citing potential contamination with mad cow disease. Maybe hold off on the cheeseburgers this weekend.