[Editor’s note: Women know them when they see them. You might not. They are Chick Un-Magnets. Instead of attracting, they repel. We asked Los Angeles writer Meredith Hoffa to share 10 things that turn women off. But there are more. There are many, many more.]
First, this is a trend for girls. And not all girls, just certain tall, leggy, lanky, fat-less girls. So when you wear skinny jeans, you are not only dressing like a girl, you are dressing like a girl dressing unflatteringly. Why would you want to get into this mess? Men in skinny jeans look like they are wearing Spidey tights. They also look like their legs have been poured into denim sausage casings. A third thing they look like is a toddler waddling around. None of these things is manly. Neither is the fact that you are crushing your balls into oblivion.
This piece of apparel screams I AM SELF-CONSCIOUSLY WHIMSICAL! I AM A POET OF LIFE! PERHAPS I PLAY THE PAN FLUTE! When you are sporting this item, I am acutely aware that you are trying to tell me things about the state of your soul. Please do not communicate with me via your hat.
Carrying a comb on your person
This is crazy and alarming. I know it worked for Danny Zuko and The Fonz, but these guys are not only from the olden times, they are also fictional. If you have a haircut/style that requires touch-ups throughout the day with a grooming implement of any kind, it might be time to rethink your fancy schmantzy hair situation.
Loafers of any sort
If you fall into one of the following categories, loafers may well be an appropriate choice of footwear for you: you are a nightclub owner in Miami Beach, you are a professor in New England, you are elderly and need a slip-on shoe, you are a chauffeur required to wear “driving shoes” as part of your company-issued uniform, you are Hugh Hefner. Otherwise, please back away from the loafers. This is not an appropriate shoe for young, vital, heterosexual men. True story: Several years ago I went on a perfectly pleasant date with a guy named Stephen who wore these really expensive-looking pebbled leather loafers (he was from another country so I didn’t question it). Years later I learned he was a date rapist. So.
A person who is chewing gum is pretty hard to like. In fact I’d estimate that gum-chewing makes a person instantly 50-60 percent more hate-able. (Ever seen the Two A-holes on SNL?) Let’s agree to leave the world’s finite gum supply entirely to children, baseball players and people trying to quit smoking.
A pet other than a dog
A charming, warbling bird perched on your shoulder! A cuddly little ferret trailing you on a leash! Jesus.
Those ‘toe’ shoes
No! Seriously! These are scary! I get a very unpleasant shivery feeling whenever I see these. If you truly must wear these appalling feet-gloves, can they please just be for padding around your house in private? Because when you go about town in them, you are not only giving many innocent civilians a creepy, icked-out feeling, you are also coming across as one of those people who is weirdly infatuated with foot health. I am obsessed with giving footrubs! For metatarsal health! I love insoles! Toe boxes! Arches! Insteps! Phalanges! Bones! Yeah BONES!
This is a girl car.
Ed Hardy tees
Maybe I’m missing something here, but I‘m puzzled by the man who chooses these expensive, ostensibly-for-young-girls T-shirts as the expression of his personal style. What, exactly, is he trying to say via the sparkles, hearts, mythical creatures, sunbursts, giant flowers and snakes sliding down rainbows on his torso? Someday I hope to get to the bottom of this – though I humbly accept that I may never understand it and will just have to come to some kind of peace with this mysterious, profoundly baffling fact of our universe.
This refers to a scenario in which your cap, T-shirt or bag advertises which super amazing cause you just biked cross-country to raise money for. Obviously you are a good, thoughtful human being. And this is a great thing; the world needs more people like you. But immediately — subconsciously – my defensiveness kicks in and my thought process goes: 1) This is a good person. 2) He seems like a better person than me. 3) Smug-ass bitch.