National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

The holiday season is barreling towards us like Kirstie Alley in a cupcake factory. And because you’ll probably be spending time with family, the plausible items to be thankful for are earplugs and a tranqulizer dart. But there are in fact a few other things that I feel make life worth living. Things I would like to observe and give thanks for right now. First, clear your plate.

1. Air conditioning
I know it’s weird to think about this in November, considering you probably have a UniHeat down your pants (not a euphemism) but think about how miserable summers would be without air conditioning. Sure, the Roaring Twenties seems like an amazing time, but talk to me when your bloomers gets stuck to your keister.

It’s literally all the fun of the 1400s without the bubonic plague.

2. Bob Ross
Forget the fact that the man makes Monet look like Honey Boo Boo, his show is the most relaxing program this side of everything else on public television. It should be prescribed for anxiety like Xanax. One happy little tree later, and you’re as right as Ross.

3. Medieval Times dinner and tournament
I don’t care how old, or tough, or cool you are, you put on that paper crown, and you’ll be squealing like a 6-year-old girl. Plus if it’s your birthday, you get knighted … by an actor … who plays a king! It’s literally all the fun of the 1400’s without the bubonic plague.

4. Sex
It’s the reason we’re all here right now. Respect.

5. Boxer briefs
Not too snug, not too loose, they are literally the Goldilocks of undergarments. If you buy the right kind, you can stop stuffing.

6. The nap
My favorite hobby of all time. Now, I have a theory: From 4-6pm is adult nap time. It’s too early for dinner, too late for a jog and Roseanne reruns don’t start until 7. Plus a good snooze will energize you for the rest of the night’s activities, like getting ready for bed.

7. The push-up
It’s the perfect exercise. It looks cool, you can do it at home, and you’re exhausted after only 10.  Plus, you can wear jeans, then re-enact the volleyball scene from Top Gun.

8. Purell
I know, it’s good to wash your hands, but there are many places where this act is forbidden, like when you’re driving or hoverboarding, so having a simple alternative is a godsend. Just don’t drink it. Trust me on this one.

9. Black
Not only does it go with everything, it makes the hefty look slim, the geeky look cool, and my chest a little less concave. And the black T-shirt is a staple in every wardrobe. But a word of caution when it comes to the plain black tee: If it’s too loose you look like an ex-con, too tight, you look … awesome.

10. KMS Hair Play
In no way am I sponsored by this product or have any vested interest in promoting it, but I do have a jewfro, and for the past 12 years the only product that calms it down is this Hair Play stuff. The only downfall is that it’s 20 bucks, but unlike gel, it won’t make you look like a douche.

So thank you to all those things that make life living. I understand there is much more to be thankful for like love, children, and the Coco-Cola Slurpee, but I said top 10, and 11 just doesn’t sound as good.