By: Marushka Mujic
I doubt most of you need anyone telling you Facebook may be ruining your relationship, considering it is most likely a reality you yourself are living. But, in the event that right now it all seems like one, enormous mess of awfulness too powerful to approach, destroy and rework, here’s a breakdown, complete with labels, scenarios and love lessons, in hopes that you can tackle this virtual monstrosity and take it apart, piece by terrorizing piece.
#1 Your Relationship Status
Here’s an immediate source of controversy contributing to the difficulty of early dating. Ever been here? You like a girl, she likes you. You date, you share a bed, you spend some time together, everything’s going well and splendid. Then, oh no, she asks. "Are we like… facebook relationship status ‘together?" You react poorly, (i.e. you don’t change your profile settings) and suddenly, just like that, it’s over. Well, friends, that’s because to modern women, your facebook relationship status is the equivalent of a high school promise ring. It’s a public announcement that you’ve picked someone to stand by. Problem being? You probably don’t want to publicly announce anything of the sort. A good way to avoid this, is by deleting this setting from your profile all together and making some righteous speech to her about how you are a private person and feel it your right to remain secretive even in a "perversely invasive technological age." Good luck.
#2 Unfortunate Old Photos
If she’s your facebook friend, she already knows too much. She’s seen you two years ago when you had that stupid haircut, five years ago before you killed off your acne, last week when you got too wasted to stand upright. If there’s flaws in your behavior (and let’s be honest, hopefully there are or else you’re certainly not human), she’s already seen them. For this reason, be fickle about being tagged in photos. Untag wisely. It just may save you from some truly considerable trauma.
#3 Tagging Her Offensively
You know how sometimes when a woman asks you if she looks good and you reply, saying something you think is positive but actually provokes wailing sobs and fuming screams from her? This is like that type of miscommunication. A photo that you may completely harmless, may make her cringe, cry or call it quits on you. So instead of being presumptuous, just let her know you uploaded some photos and she can feel free to tag them herself. (NOTE: Do NOT only tag yourself and not tag her. She will definitely think you are trying to hide her. For more on this – read below)
#4 Lack of Online Affection
You may just be one of those sensible lads who doesn’t like to constantly post on people’s profiles. But, if you’re dating a lady who is and you’re trying to follow preliminary dating protocol, you better get hip to it. Girls like this eagerly await the day their newest flame will find the chance to post some witty comment to their profile. When you don’t, they think you’re either too lazy to care or trying to hide them from your internet friends. An ideal excuse: "To be honest with you, when I really like someone, I don’t like to interact with them online that much. I think it cheapens the sincerity of our connection, don’t you? It’s so impersonal.
#5 Your Ex’s Invade
Your personal history is scrawled across this public forum. She can scroll through a blog roll of your recent years and see who you date, how it went, what she looked like and the romantic love notes posted. As with the photo untagging, trying to be savvy about deleting these little blips when you’re starting to see someone new and curious. They have the delete option above comments for this reason in particular. USE IT.
#6 Her Ex’s Invade
You think you want to know about her ex’s, but you don’t. You never do. Unfortunately, now, you don’t have much of a choice. They’re there. They’re posting on her profile, on her profile picture, telling her "Hey sexy, you still got it." This makes you livid. Chill your stuff, dudes. It doesn’t mean anything. In fact, try to spin it positively by using it to your advantage. Be different from the dudes she ditched and use their internet trails as an example of what NOT to do.
#7 General Jealousy
Internet groupies are a huge problem for both sexes, no debate here. If you happen to have a lot of them, try never to respond to their advances in any way that she could misinterpret as interest (because she will). If she happens to have a lot of them, be grateful that the girl you currently get to lay is extremely attractive and wanted and only working her moves on you. If you have a strange feeling that you’re NOT the only one she’s working her moves on AND she has a plethora of facebook admirers, take it as a warning sign. What your thinking (fearing?) is probably right…
Poking is the virtual, (I hesitate to say) "adult" manner of pinching someone playfully in elementary school. It means "I think you’re cute, but I’m a coward." Unless you’re already dating a girl, and you know she’s the type that would get a kick out of something like this, don’t do it. It’s too controversially corny to be a good move and can potentially very quickly kill your game.
#9 Time Stealer
Spending too much time on your iPhone checking out the latest upload? STEP AWAY FROM THE ELECTRONIC APPLIANCE. Nothing can kill a physical relationship faster than an infatuation with cyberspace, particularly if it’s for Facebook – a service that advertises interactive communities – because she will infer that your internet community is more important that your interaction with her. Moreover, to constantly post and upload, will only make you look all too available and uninteresting. Get a hobby, dude! It’s healthy for you and way hotter than being able to type as fast as a 1950’s secretary without a diploma.
#10 Becoming A Fan Of The Wrong Page
What groups you join, what pages you favorite, what you virtually promote – all of this goes into the boiler of her brain when summing you up. So, be sure to be choosy about what invitations and page suggestions you accept (i.e. pages with nicknames and/or connotations concerning raunchy sex, getting wasted, geeky group games, etc). Otherwise, what you thought of as a simple click to support a friend, may simply stop your sex life.
#11 Discovering Your Inbox
ALWAYS LOG OUT. I’ll say it again. ALWAYS LOG OUT. If you’re at her house and you happen to log on and then leave without doing so, she may (either accidentally or intentionally) snoop around your inbox. And while you may not remember having any problematic messages stored away, you never know who has recently messaged you from your past or what past messages will somehow surface to sabotage what you’ve presently got going.
#12 Discovering Her Inbox
You may not be a snoop, but the page is open and it’s there, staring at you, begging you to sneak a look. Of course, I urge you not to do it. Not to protect or defend women, but to protect yourself. You will discover things that mean nothing and seem monumental. It’s in the nature of Facebook to blow everything out of proportion and the last thing you need is to have your head contaminated with old messages from internet lusters who she’s already forgotten about, in favor of you.
#13 Picture’s Worth A Thousand Words
When it comes to Facebook pictures, know that she considers your profile picture the ultimate announcement. Whoever finds their way into your profile picture is, in her mind, given high priority in yours. So, even if your pal took a hilarious photo of you at a bar with three budweiser beer girls or of you and your best girl friend doing something hilarious together, avoid at all costs advertising this as a profile pick. To her, this means she’s not good enough to be your favorite. And, even if this is absolutely true, it’s something she absolutely doesn’t need to know.