Haven’t had any trim in a while? You can follow our tips on how to date out of your league . You even use our handy guide to figuring out what women hear when we talk . But nothing’s going to help you until you take care of these 14 impediments to you getting laid…

14. Your clothes

Take a look in the mirror, bad boy. If you’ve got a glistening silk shirt tucked into a pair of acid wash jeans, you’re either the most ironic hipster in all of Silver Lake or you’re a clueless mofo whose clothes are getting in the way of sealing the deal.

The key to dressing well is appropriateness — dress yourself in the best possible way that’s most appropriate for the occasion. Sure, pick up artists will tell you to peacock and dress flashy and that makes sense, within reason. You still shouldn’t tuck your jeans into your sneakers.

13. Your smell

A man’s smell is a curious thing. Be a tiny bit stinky, and women will swoon — they’ll think you’re some sort of hunky day laborer. But one whiff of poo or a tinge of limburger cheese on your breath and her nether regions are drying up faster than an alcoholic after a car crash.

Here’s a trick — find out what cologne your dad wears and start wearing it… in moderation. Tiny bits. Then, take care of the rest… always carry mints and gum on hand and a toothbrush and some mouth wash in your bag. And take a dump BEFORE you shower and carry handywipes around with you for, yes, wiping your ass if you have to crap during the day. Keep your smell in check, brutha.

12. Your beard

A lot of girls like a little scruff. Some girls like a well-kept beard. No one wants to fuck Grizzly Adams. Big bushy beards smell bad (see above). They retain food and drink. And they’re scratchy and pretty scary.

Chances are, the girl you’re trying to hook up with doesn’t like facial hair at all — just ask a girl what she thinks of Brad Pitt’s beard if you don’t believe us. But a little goes a long way.

11. Your cynicism

Women like winners. And winners are never cynical. It’s hard to look at the cup as half empty when it’s filled with champagne. Being a cynical, negative guy might work with a few girls, but the vast majority respond to a winning, positive attitude.

10. Your friends

Your “wingmen” can sometimes be a boon. And they can sometimes be your biggest weakness. Traveling with one like-minded friend when you’re on the prowl for a hottie can never hurt. But roving in a pack of 10 of your loudest (and sweatiest) friends won’t earn you points. It might seem like you’re traveling with a mobile party, but it’s one party the girl in question will choose to ditch.

9. Your desires

It never hurts to want something and work hard at it. But trying so hard it shows? That’s a liability. Don’t let her know how much you need her to break you off. Women are like cats… you have to let them come to you. So chasing her around with a big, dopey smile and a boner to match won’t impress her.

8. Your booze

A drink or two (or three or four?) helps loosen the mood. That’s true for both you and her. Vodka tonics help inhibitions fly out the window. But if you’re getting SLAMMED in front of her, if you’re a bad drunk or if you just get stupid (and maybe throw up), she’ll be turned off. Even if you get her into the bedroom, if you’re too drunk, you won’t be able to perform. And that’s a crying shame, buddy. Cap it at two or three drinks.

7. Your friendliness

Many-a-girl would cite her boyfriend or husband as her best friend. But not many of those guys started off that way — they were some dude she wanted to tag who she realized afterwards was fun to hang out with. No one wants to fuck their friends, so stop being so damned courteous.

If you can’t be an out and out dick (which WORKS at getting girls, mind you) just maintain an air of icy chivalry. Hold the door for her, sure, but don’t goofily smile afterwards and say something like, “I’ll always be here for you, dear.” Ugh. No.

6. Your lack of danger

Even if you’re avoiding the “friend” trap, you might still fail to get a hole-in-one here if you lack a sense of danger. A leather jacket, a scar, some stubble, a “I’ve murdered a guy before” stare… anything that ups the ante on your danger quotient helps.

But don’t be too scary — leave the handgun at home.

5. Your nerves

Chill out! Relax! You’re nervous… and she can tell. Women, at a primal level, want to play the prey to your hunter. So if you’re shivering like a newborn gazelle, she’s gonna lose respect for you.

There’s nothing to be nervous about — if she doesn’t like you, then so be it. She’s not going to bite your head off. You’re a big, strong man. Remember that!

4. Your mom

It might be a cliche, but that’s because it’s true — women do NOT like mama’s boys. A guy who mentions his mother in casual barroom conversations sets off several alarms, be it her gaydar or her psychoalert. You don’t want her to think you’re in the closet and you really don’t want her to think you’re Norman Bates, so don’t mention your mom.

And if you’re an actual mama’s boy, dude, it’s time to grow up. Mama’s boys don’t have sex. They make love… to their mom.

3. Your jokes

Women like a good sense of humor. Every Playboy Playmate lists “sense of humor” as one of their likes. Heidi Klum says she fell in love with Seal because he makes her laugh.

We can hear you rolling your eyes.

But look, it’s true. Now the key here isn’t the “humor” part. It’s the “good” part. Having a good sense of humor doesn’t mean you’re a hilarious, always “on,” laugh-out-loud funny guy. It means you know the kinds of things that will make her laugh and stick to those and avoid everything else.

If you make exceedingly crude jokes, mean jokes, really nerdy jokes or misogynistic jokes, you will turn her off. That same joke that made the guys in your Fantasy Football league laugh will probably earn you an incredibly cold shoulder.

2. Your sports

Speaking of Fantasy Football… women like dating guys who PLAY professional sports. Not guys who watch it. That doesn’t mean you should abandon watching the Super Bowl. Come on.

But if you go to bed and wake up to Sports Center, you’ll be going to bed and waking up alone. And you need to get laid more than the Mets need to win a pennant, so buck up and cool down that sports habit.

1. Your commitment to you 

All the roadblocks that stand in the way of you getting some action are things you can fix on your own. You’re not striking out because you’re short… it’s because you THINK you’re short. You’re not striking out because you’re a nerd… it’s because you refuse to be anything else.

Here’s the key to getting over the hump on most of these issues — stop being so damned committed to “you.” When someone desperately stuck in a rut tries to defend their behavior, they always use one excuse, “Well, that’s just the way I am.”

That’s not true. You can change your attitudes and behavior at the drop of a hat. But you have to stop being dedicated to this image of yourself that you’ve built in your head. Because a key element to that image of “you” that you’ve fabricated is that he’s a guy who doesn’t get laid.

You’ve built yourself according to the wrong blueprints. It’s time to smash the building down and start from scratch.

Now go get some.