Full disclosure: Before an advance screening of the latest installment last night, I had not seen any of the Fast and Furious films. (I know, weird.) Which is not to say I walked in cold, as it is pretty much impossible to live in America today—especially as an editor of a men’s website—and not be at least a bit familiar with the high-octane exploits of Dominic Torretto and the gang.
But even if I had seen the earlier movies, I’m not sure they could have prepared me for the bombastic audiovisual spectacle that is Furious 7. I can only imagine that after making six others, the filmmakers really had to wrack their brains to come up with action that could top what has come before. I’m guessing the process went something like: “OK, think of the craziest possible sequence that could happen right here. Then forget all about that and think of something at least twice as bonkers.” Which, in this context, totally works. If you embrace what this billion-dollar franchise has become, you’ll fucking love it.
That being said, we couldn’t help but have a little fun thinking about what else this movie could have been called. So here are a few options. Some will probably make more sense once you’ve seen it. (C’mon, you know you’re going to…)
17. Let’s Settle This Like Cars
16. Full Suspension… Of Disbelief
15. Vin Diesel’s Tour De Ford
14. Vehicular Warfare
13. The Hottest Hacker
12. Ludacris: Underrated Thespian
11. Cars Can Fly
10. Dwayne Johnson’s One-Liner Emporium
9. Cars! Guns! Chicks! But No Cursing!
8. Three Words: Jason Bloody Statham
7. Holy Shit, Kurt Russell?!?
6. Tyrese Is Pretty Funny For A Model
4. Aww Yeah, Rodriguez Vs. Rousey!
3. Wait A Sec, No One Gets Laid?
2. You’ll Never Paul Walker Alone
1. Did We Mention The Parachuting Cars?
Shawn Donnelly contributed to this article.