For Super Bowl 50, Coldplay will take the stage pumping out droopy emo-nonsense that has no place on the football field. So why not just skip it? Are you afraid there’s nothing else to do? We’re afraid you’re wrong.
Here are 20 things you can actually look forward to during the entertainment black hole that is the Super Bowl Halftime Show.
1. Throw the football around.
You got pumped UP watching the first half no doubt, so this could be a great way to get out some of that all-American aggression…you know, if it DOESN’T BLIZZARD.
2. Have some Sunday evening delight.
Twenty minutes is enough for undressing, foreplay, coitous and a good post-coitous weep, right?
4. Play some Madden NFL ’16.
Either that or some N64 NFL Blitz ’98, for old times’ sake.
5. Party like it’s 1959 with a neighborhood snowball fight.
If it is snowing, it’s your right—nay, your obligation to draw first blood, Rambo style.
6. Throw together some mid-game guac.
By now your pre-game guac has either been left out too long or finished hours ago. It’s time for a refresh. Avocados, salt, lime juice, cilantro, red onion, tomato and jalapeno? Check. Get at it.
8. Watch the Puppy Bowl Halftime, instead.
You know you secretly love this. If you need to, just blame it on your girlfriend.
9. Go on a beer run.
Running low? Fully stocked? Doesn’t matter. Go get some more. It will not go to waste.
10. Discuss Nipplegate ’04.
Should it have been considered nudity? Did it end Janet Jackson’s career? Discuss amongst yourselves.
11. Watch Too Many Cooks.
…and wonder when exactly you ate some drugs.
12. Have a conversation with someone.
I know it’s the king of game days, but since the Halftime Show is a separate beast, you could really actually have an honest-to-goodness conversation with a friend or family member. You may even want to make eye contact.
13. Assess your fantasy football strategy.
Didn’t do so hot this year, did you? It’s time to put some deep thought into how you approach your roster next season.
14. Get a head start on your taxes.
Bust out those W-2s, 4s 9s and 1040s and get cracking!
15. Talk some trash.
About the players who have let you down so far and the ones you’re glad are playing like a pile of excrement—just like you knew they would.
16. Listen to The Final Countdown.
Put on your headband, grab some barbells and let the strength of a hundred Super Bowl warriors flow through you.
17. Take a cold shower.
Whether it’s the female cheerleaders, male football players or lingering memories of Katy Perry’s halftime show, we know someone’s got you all hot and bothered.
18. Go on an epic mini bar crawl.
See how many beers you can pound in 20 minutes, college freshman style. Disclaimer: You will only be successful if you live in a city or on a strip full of bars.
19. Debate: What was the best ’80s movie?
Was it Labyrinth, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, The Breakfast Club, The Goonies or Gremlins? Doesn’t matter, if you debate this, people will die.
20. Watch a better halftime show.
There are loads of quality halftime shows from the ’80s, ’90s and ’00s. Like, remember when Prince purple rain’d across the stage under a dangerous downpour in 2007? Of course you do.