By: Marushka Mujic
Considering I lost my virginity to a carefully laid out mix tape (which ended up being the best part of the experience anyway), I can assure you – mood music is essential. Nothing’s worse for a woman than finding distraction in the stereo while struggling for a decent screw; bad songs to have sex to are worse than silence. And whereas the right music can commonly be used to coax a woman into total liberation in the bedroom, the wrong music can ruin everything so fast you won’t figure it out until you’re lying indecent, alone and real awkward. Avoid this horror, please. For further instruction, read below:
Foxy Lady – Mr. Jimi Hendrix
Loud in all the right ways. Aggressive in a holy way. Dangerous in a dirty way. Pretty sure Jimi Hendrix’s songs were all informal prayers (to sex gods).
Born Under a Bad Sign – Albert King
With that crazy kinky electric guitar line, solid percussion and funked up horns this is the best kind of throwback tune to funk to.
Thickfreakness – The Black Keys
I Get Along – The Libertines
British rock to bring you back to the adolescent days when sex was a celebrated rebellion. They curse, they swear, it’s doubtful they wear underwear. So why should you?
Chain of Fools – Aretha Franklin
With that booming, saucy voice, thick bass line and sick backing vocals, this woman gets women in the mood simply by opening her mouth. Wouldn’t you love to adopt such a talent?
Check the Rhyme – A Tribe Called Quest
The epitome of legitimate 80’s hip-hop, A Tribe Called Quest gives off a crazy chill groove anyone can get down to.
Me & Mr. Jones – Amy Winehouse
The horn section in this song is perfectly tempered for sex, matching the tempo of trombone with that of your thrusting. Not to mention, she used the word “Fuckery.”
Anti Love Song – Betty Davis
Married to Miles Davis, this funk queen actually has written on her first album: “The Woman Who Was Too Wild for Miles.” She’s just about as funky as funk can feel. Also – she has an afro.
Holdin’ It Down – Big L
Some of sickest rhymes of all time were spewed from Big L’s mouth. He’s most certainly got the best rapper’s ego around (I.E. arrogant in a hot way), and makes use of it by driving his listeners to dirty thoughts without even making a conscious effort of it.
Criminal – Fiona Apple
I know this sounds absurdly cliche, but in all honesty girl get off on this song. Something in the haunting rhythm, heavy piano keys and Fiona Apple’s aggressive voice tells women to turn on.
I Wish – Stevie Wonder
With quite a climactic chorus, a celebration of horns and Stevie’s voice stretching violently across his entire range, this tune inspires not only total release of insecurity but crazy amount of energy.
Sexy Back – Justin Timberlake
I’m not kidding. He’s sexy to chicks, whether you believe it or not. Something about the little screech in his voices that makes girls squirm (in the best way).
This is All – Screaming Jay Hawkins
The man who became famous for his spooky, voodoo soul “She Put The Wammee On Me” also happens to make the darkest and dirtiest blues around. His booming, expressive voice and distorted piano gets the heart pumpin, the hips droppin, the bed ROCKIN.
Musicology – Prince
A Motown groove, a killer drum breakdown and Prince’s signature sex all over the place. Nuff said.
Nighttime is the Right Time – Ray Charles
What better tune than one wherein Ray, the sexiest man at a piano, and his lead singer Margie Hendrix, the sexiest woman at a microphone, holler out a duet concerning the need to hold someone at night. What better tune? There ain’t none.
In The Basement – Etta James
This song is a party in and of itself. Etta’s primal howl atop a mass of wildly recorded instrumentation and a bass line so forward in the mix it feels like its stitched to the shaking of your mattress.
You’re the Boss – Elvis Presley and Anne Margaret
A stripped back, mischievous song done by Elvis and his infamous lover, these two, hoarse and heated voices talk about who’s who in the boudoire. Literally: She’ll melt.
Down in the Hole – Tom Waits
While he’s most definitely a man that does not appeal to everyone, Tom Waits somehow captures sex in a strange and surreal, dream-like style. This tune in particular just grooves so good.
Harder Better Faster Stronger – Daft Punk
This song alone will transform your brain and bedroom into a two person rave. NOTE: Don’t break out the glow sticks unless she consents beforehand.
Blood Sugar Sex Magik – The Red Hot Chili Peppers
As close as the contemporary world comes to sick funk music, the Chili Peppers carve out a space for themselves on our shelves as musical sex fiends. With a steady drop beat and bare melodies, then the high-powered intervals, this sort of song might even get her to sing aloud and along. (Translate that to whatever you want it to mean).