Most people wear jewelry, either on a regular basis, for special occasions like their uncle’s probation ending, or just at some point between birth and death. While men don’t have quite as many bearable jewelry options as women do, that’s not to say there are no necklaces and earrings out there for the guys. You just have to know what to look for because that gaudy peacock-feather necklace will not flatter you like it will a woman’s cleavage.
Among your choices, fellas, be wary of certain bits of shiny bling that you really, really should never consider wearing.
50 pounds of fake gold jewelry. Dude, no one’s gonna think you’re loaded if you’re strutting around like a ghetto chicken weighed down by a boatload of fake gold chains and rings. You’re just going to look like a moron that won $10 on a scratch-off ticket and ran out to buy some costume jewelry.
Alternative: Moderation is the key here, ace—wear a single necklace, preferably without a charm the size of a dinner plate.
Class ring.Yeah, it’s probably safe to assume that most people have a high school education by the time they reach adulthood. Unless you’re a recent grad, walking around sporting your garish class ring just makes you look like you can’t let go of your high school days. You know, back when you were the star quarterback and all the girls wanted to ride you like a pony. Those days are over now and it’s time to put on the big-boy pants, be a real man and buy real jewelry. The only suitable place to wear this ring is your high school reunion.
Alternative: A plain gold or silver band is just fine and will match any outfit.
Most piercings. An eyebrow ring or an earring can be a great compliment for a guy’s look now and then, but most other kinds of piercings and their supplementary dangly jewelry just looks silly on a man. And men with 25 piercings in their heads—yeah, we get it. You’re rebelling against Mom and Dad for not understanding your specialness. Good for you, and good luck getting through airport security. Trust us, guys—you do not look manly with a bolt through your nose or your lip. And people will most likely suspect you’re gay if you’ve got a pierced tongue or navel. No, we won’t judge you, but the most widespread mind-set is these types of piercings are considered girly and slutty. So if you’re afraid of having your masculinity questioned, steer clear of piercings below the eyes and get a tattoo. Because getting one hole poked in your body is too sissy, whereas real men get many holes poked in their bodies and then get them filled with ink. Or something. America has some weird stereotypes.
Alternative: Simple earring(s), or no piercings at all.
Anklets. Also known as ankle bracelets, there is absolutely no reason for a guy to wear one of these. They’re solely a women’s accessory, and even on a lady, it looks kind of ridiculous. Besides, who’s gonna be looking at your feet in the first place? Mmhmm, that beaded chain around your ankle looks mighty sexy nestled among the leg hair. That will certainly get you the ladies.
Alternative: A watch for a professional look, or maybe a hemp bracelet for a more casual look. Try to stay away from the electronic ankle bracelets.