ExcuseMe

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Communication is a key element in maintaining a healthy relationship. However, knowing when to shut the hell up has time and again proven to be equally as crucial in sustaining a harmonious partnership and, more importantly, a steady ass. If you want to keep your woman from straying, crying, yelling and smacking your face, remember these four relationship breaking questions that you should never ask your girlfriend.

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Is that what you’re wearing? This is likely the least dangerous of the four questions you should never ask your girlfriend, but can still result in meaningless arguments. If you are not impressed by her choice of outfit for the evening, you better still tell her she looks great. In some cases, she may have already tried on two or three or sixteen other outfits before settling on this one. If you question her ensemble, you may be in for another three to twelve more costume changes before you leave. In another scenario she may simply ask, “Why? Does it make me look fat?” We all know if that happens, you are screwed.

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What’s wrong with your ________? Stop right there. Whatever it is, don’t ask. Unless she is bleeding profusely or growing a third ear you want to tread carefully. There are two reasons not to ask if something is wrong with her … whatever. First, if it’s something she is self-conscious about you’re going to hurt her feelings. Second, if it’s something that is normal about her and nothing is actually “wrong” per say, you will look like a total dick. Never ask about anything cosmetic, ever! Unless it is some kind of emergency, just no.

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How about a three way? Sometimes it’s tempting, but this is one question you should never, ever ask your girlfriend! Even if she frequently gets drunk and makes out with her girlfriends in the club in hysterical giggle fits or grinds on your buddies like a bitch in heat on the dance floor, don’t ask. Here is why. She knows damn well that you would want a three way. Duh, you’re a man. If she’s down for it, she’ll let you know. If you ask and she’s not good to go, you’re in for a world of hell! You don’t need that drama. Just wait, watch, hope and hint.

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Have you put on weight? Good God, no! That’s even worse than asking for a three way. First of all, she probably knows she put on weight. She’s either going to be hurt, offended or both. She’ll definitely feel unattractive, which means no sex for you. Depending on her temper, you may even get your ass kicked. Either way, you’ll be pleasuring yourself until she drops the weight and by then she may be pleasuring someone else who likes a junky trunk. If you see her naked, you know whether she put on weight or not, so shut up. If you really need that confirmation, ask her if her boobs got bigger.