The great American poet Ogden Nash once rhymed, “candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.” Which makes me feel a lot classier about the fact that I like to get drunk. It’s an old roller coaster. You strap in and prepare yourself. The eager anticipation bubbles inside. The ride starts and you feel it building up. Bumping over the rickety tracks. You are going higher and higher. Holding your hands in the air. Reaching for the sky. Then you get to the top. You can see everything from up there and it looks fucking beautiful. Then whoosh. You crash ten times faster than you rose. You fall to the bottom. Everybody else goes back up and away. You just sort of roll out and watch the world spin.
So. What do you want to order? We’ve romanticized drinking too much for just a beer. Shots are great but there are certain social situations where you can’t order them. First 10 minutes of a blind date, for example. Or while taking your grandmother out for lunch. A cocktail. That’s the ticket. You want something new, though. Something different. Something you’ve never had before. You’re a bold man who makes bold choices. You want badass drinks.
To help you out, I went to a bar and tried five edgy cocktails I found in various drink guides. I decided to keep them simple. No more than three ingredients. This isn’t a mixology seminar. Besides, we’re men. We don’t do well with directions. Here’s what happened.
1 oz. Silver Tequila
1 oz. Vodka
Dash Blue Curacao
Chilled, strained into a cocktail glass
Started 6 p.m., finished 6:03 p.m.
It looks harmless as it’s brought over to me. Clear and blue in the cocktail glass, it’s sort of like a swimming pool. The bartender waits for me to try it. Hiya! Shark’s got bite. Blue fire. I’m supposed to sip this? Bartender suggests some lemon juice would make it easier. I’m assuming he means squirting the juice in my eyes. Because I’d rather be eaten by an actual shark than consume another one of these. Balls first. Pounding this one and moving on.
2 oz. Gin
1 oz. Vermouth
4 oz. Tonic Water
Stir with ice. Garnish with slice of lemon.
Started 6:06 p.m., finished 6:17 p.m.
I need to mellow out after the Blue Shark. So I pick the biggest drink in the playbook. Only problem is, I hate gin. I’m embarrassed, but it’s true. What kind of man hates gin? Ginny is British slang for vagina, right? If not, it should be. If I liked gin, maybe I’d call myself Gin Brennan. Maybe I’m already buzzed.
1 oz. Southern Comfort
1 oz. Bourbon
2 oz. Cola
A few ice cubes.
Started 6:21 p.m., finished 6:36 p.m.
I did not enjoy the previous two drinks. So I need to like something. I’ve also finished a beer and a shot of tequila by now. I feel 10 feet tall. The All American is great. Uncle Sam drinks these. He takes off his hat and fills it up with a giant All American and throws it back. I want you… to order another drink.
1.5 oz. Vodka
.5 oz. Blackberry Brandy
Started 6:57 p.m., finished 7:12 p.m.
I don’t like Blackberry Brandy. I was friends with a homeless lady who liked it, though. She was Norwegian, always wore leggings and had a great ass. The bartender waits for me to try this drink as well. I tell him it’s good. He says I’m probably drunk then, because it sucks. I was worried about this drink before 6 p.m. Now I’m loosened up. Ready to climb the Empire State Building or fight all the wars there are to fight. Or even talk to girls.
1.5 oz. Whiskey
Started 7:22 p.m., finished 7:22 p.m.
The inspiration for this article. Is this drink bad-ass? I don’t know. Is Stone Cold Steve Austin riding a dinosaur on his way to seduce your mom bad-ass? It’s not a regular drink. You can’t kick back with a T Bone. Or hoist six or seven of them. You can’t hoist, but you can hurl. It’s vile. The bartender tries to help by chilling it, and that just makes it worse. Don’t drink this. Don’t ever drink this. Stick with the All American, friends, and your night will go much better than mine…