Now, I know some guys who are of the belief that you shouldn’t buy a woman a drink, period. They have their own heavy-breathing theories as to why, but I do not subscribe.
I enjoy offering a woman a cocktail. But there are some drinks that just might not be in anyone’s best interest to purchase. Many of you who are reading this are probably thinking, “But if it gets them buzzed, then I’m all in!” No, you’re not. Believe me. You wanna be carrying her over your shoulder out of the cab she puked and passed out in—and maybe not even in that order? You wanna be holding her back from clawing the eyes out of some girl she’s got a longstanding feud with or who stared at her too long or, even worse, one of your boys for a misunderstood comment?
These are the drinks to be weary of…
1. Long Island Iced Tea: Where are you? At a club where the girls from MTV’s old Jersey Shore series are doing an appearance? I’ve watched 6″4 250-pound dudes topple after two of these. It’s made with gin, vodka, light rum, triple sec, tequila, simple syrup, cola and lemon juice. It’s called a Long Island Iced Tea due to LI being the USA’s largest island for a reason. Gin, vodka, rum and tequila all in one drink? You’re either looking for a woman to blow chunks all over the back of your Uber driver’s head or one who will want to fight him. And will win, too.
2. Irish Car Bomb: Hats off to the gal who’s down with this one. Really—and they’re out there. Interesting stat: Nearly 14 million women in the U.S. binge drink roughly three times a month. So the days of underestimating are over. But the catch is, this is Jameson’s submerged deep into the dark ocean known as a Guinness, with all of it having to go at once. Whiskey + Stout = Lights Out. And if it doesn’t, she may want to arm wrestle someone shortly thereafter. She’s basically drinking a boilermaker, and don’t we all have an aunt who can down one of those? And do any of us want to be with a woman who winds up like her?
3. Bloody Mary: I know, I know… This is gonna be a tough bullet to dodge. Fact is, the ladies love these, and they’re a brunch necessity. They sort of double as some hair of the dog, but the hangover remedy really just kick-starts the buzz all over again. And celery and tomato juice do not make for a sweet kiss goodbye. That said, the Bloody Mary also suggests there’s some baggage, and a proclivity for sharing it, typically with whomever is willing to listen. So, I guess, if you’ve got the overhead compartment and the shoulder to spare, go for it.
4. Tequila Sunrise: Frankly, the Margarita is equally as misbegotten but it’s so go-to, this Ladie’s Night half-off beast, that resistance can be futile. The gal ordering a Tequila Sunrise can easily be talked into something equally as fruity, but with rum, as opposed to tequila. You think tequila is your friend, but it is not. Sure, things get off to a grand enough start—she’s dancing up a storm, showing what she might do should a stripper pole reveal itself. Next thing you know she’s dancing on top of a table, maybe even audacious enough to Coyote Ugly go for the bar. Meantime, all eyes are on her, and the fact is the night only ends with you fending other suitors off or dropping yours at the cleaners the next morning.
5. Sangria: You just don’t wanna go there. I mean it. It’s made with such TLC, too, some red wine, a bit of brandy and something a little sweet and something a little fizzy thrown in for good measure. Personally, I like both red and white to be in there. But you can easily wind up with one heck of a sloppy drunk, alternately crying and professing her love for everyone in sight, in the blink of an eye. Ignore me at your peril. You might even find yourself doing just fine, but when she begins eating the fruit at the bottom of the tumbler, the cherries and slices of orange, maybe even some melon, that’s all been sitting there, soaking in the booze? Yeah, that’s when there’s no turning back.
Photo: Getty Images/DjelicS