We don’t suggest you pencil in "evading the cops" on your weekend excursions calendar, however, there are times when it may be in your best interest to get your slippery on. It may be that the next speeding ticket will push you over the limit and your license will be politely taken from you. Or maybe you stole some Swedish meatballs from IKEA and thought you had a clean getaway planned. Whatever it may be, you need to know some fancy car steering stuff in order to give the slip to the blue light the next time it appears in your rearview. Just an FYI, the following driving moves work best when there is no license plate attached to your vehicle, so keep that in mind before leaving your humble chateau. Oh, and it’d be nice if you had a car made after 1990. For performance purposes.

Stop and Go

This is one of the easier moves. The trick is knowing your left from your right — which for us, sometimes is an issue (not that alcohol has anything to do with that). When being followed at a reasonable pace, a quick slam on the brakes will cause the pursuing officer to do the same. What causes this move to work so well is a quick slam on the stoppers, followed immediately by a punch on the go pedal — known as the ‘gas pedal’ in some cultures. When the cop sees your brake lights fire up and your car slowing down, he will smash his own brakes. At which time you have already accelerated. Easiest way to handle this is to keep both feet on the pedals (for you stick shift dorks, go with us for a moment). When you slam on the brakes, hammer the gas home one second later. It’s enough to throw your pursuer into panic mode and for you to put some distance between the two of you. Not that we’re encouraging that.

Lots O’ Corners

We won’t even get into understeering and oversteering since those issues usually rely on the type of car you are handling. This is a classic racetrack move, but when done properly on the streets, it can put some distance between you and the fuzz. This maneuver involves you taking every corner you can possibly take. It’s a four-part process: Braking, Turn In, Apex, and Turn Out (or Crowning, for you perverts). Say you are rolling along at 100 mph and a right turn is approaching. The first step is to brake while you are still going straight. Before the turn. Never brake during the turn. Then you start your turn with the pedal to the metal — if we may use that phrase with you. When you punch it, start your turn, but make sure you stay to the outside of the turn. Too tight inside could be a recipe for a roll-over (that’s what she said). In the middle of this turn — and we’re talking split seconds here — you will want to hit the Apex. This means getting close to the inside of your turn without a head-on collision with a mini-van full of geriatrics. On a racetrack, this can be pulled off relatively easy. On the streets, it takes considerable skill. The final phase of this move is the Turn Out, which is bouncing back to the outside immediately after hitting the Apex of your turn. Yes, we’re throwing a lot of terms at you, but the bottom line of this lesson is…don’t flip your car or hit someone. And that spells success. 

Go Left

75% of the time, a fleeing driver will turn right. So say scientists who apparently have taken time out from trying to cure cancer in order to poll fleeing suspects. The ‘Turn Left’ rule will put you in the 3 out of 4 bracket of a successful escape (Note: no calculator was harmed during this experiment). Obviously, this move needs to be performed when the law cannot physically see you, so curvy roads are the best options to perform this maneuver. The way to do this is to put enough distance between you and the legal pursuer first, and then hit the first left you see. Use the ‘Corner Method’ as listed earlier to help you round the left quicker. If you really want to use this method properly, do it at a crossroads, The cop will turn right 75% of the time — and also not recognize the irony of the crossroads in your life (cue the violin music).

The Weave

The weave works when you have other obstacles to work with, such as traffic. It is pretty much what it sounds like: a weave. For those of you who played Frogger as a kid, you can appreciate the method here. You weave in-and-out of existing traffic or obstacles (i.e., playground equipment), but specifically you need to implement a speed blender. Yep, a "speed blender" does mean mixing up your speed, for those of you not hip to the evasive scene. When working the weave, you need to be switching lanes constantly, but alternating your speeds so as to throw Johnny Law off his game. They normally expect a fleeing American to keep the throttle to the floor and that’s how they are trained. By mixing in a variation on speed (we’re not talking O.J. speed)  and working in the weave, you can use the objects around you to help put some miles between you and the pursuing car

Pit Maneuver Escape

One of the best moves you can learn is how to esca[e the pit maneuver. If you’ve ever watched the 11 o’clock news, you have likely seen some poor sap getting pit maneuvered by the cops. A pit maneuver happens when a squad car alines its front tire with your back tire, then turns sharply into your back side. This sends your car into a spin and the squad car is now in a perfect perpendicular (yes, we’re droppin’ geometry shit on you) position to drive you into a wall. Or the side of the road. The way to get out of this is actually to accelerate, not brake. Depending on the force of the squad car, you may have to shift into reverse for a bit. Otherwise, shift the wheel sharply in the direction you are spinning and punch the gas. But don’t go to sleep just yet. You will be heading straight within a couple of seconds and will have to be heading towards the border again.