So you’re a big-time drug dealer, a talented con artist, a professional bank robber, or maybe you just have a ton of money you’re not interested in paying taxes on. No matter what your situation, there are options for you that don’t include paying taxes on your hard-earned money — or going to jail for your seedy efforts.
Call it hiding, laundering, stashing, or what have you. Whatever you call it, it’s sketchy, but it gets the job done by letting you earn and spend as much money as you want, completely on the down-low. Here are a few stealthy places you can hide your money like the rogue billionaire that you are.
Buy a Car Wash
Take a page out of Walter White’s playbook and buy a car wash with your funds. Or better yet, get a chain of car washes. Just give a good close look at Breaking Bad via DirecTV on-demand and take note. Other business models that could work are Spanish restaurants, an established farming operation, and even a touristy resort. The more mundane the business the better — basically you need a day job. You’re less likely to draw attention to yourself if you funnel your money into an inconspicuous business operation, so that your money can flow like the river Thames, and the powers that be will be none the wiser about it.
Make it a family operation like the Zetas did, and you’re golden; there’s no chances of snitching when you’re working with family. Just don’t get caught.
Bury it With Your Shame
If you’re looking for ways to hide your money, you’re going to have to adopt an unadulterated “I-have-no-shame” attitude about it. After all, evading paying government taxes is not exactly the most noble thing in the world you could choose to do with your talents. So bury it. Bury your money with your shame.
Convert it to gold or silver and bury it in a secure place in your back yard, at the bottom of a lake, in a dark, damp cave in the middle of the mountains. Wherever you can leave it where only you and your trusted associates will be able to access it is probably a good place. Or if you don’t want to convert it, you could take yet another cue from Heisenberg and bury your cash in sealed oil drums out in the desert. Just remember to keep the GPS coordinates in a safe place.
Take a few pointers from Mittens himself. He and his offshore accounts made headlines when he ran for president and came under the worldwide spotlight. Somehow this guy has been able to find loopholes in tax laws and throw at least $30 million worth of Bain Capital funds into accounts in the Cayman Islands.
If a U.S. presidential candidate can get away with doing that right under the public’s nose, so can you, mister rogue billionaire. Maybe don’t call attention to yourself by running for public office. Unless that’s part of your charm; then by all means, have at it.
Set up an offline savings wallet. Bitcoins are the next generation of virtually storing funds worldwide. These bits of crypto-currency are stored directly on your computer, so they can traditionally be vulnerable to cyber attacks and fraud. For this reason, it’s more secure to establish an offline wallet of sorts. In other words, a storage avenue that never sees an Internet connection at all. Sometimes this method is called “cold storage” or an “air gap.”
These things are completely decentralized — which is scary — but so is drug trafficking, bank robbing, and whatever else you’ve done to accumulate this kind of money. If you’re willing to trust technology with your funds, Bitcoins are the way to go.
Okay, so chances are you’re not actually a billionaire. Regular prepaid cards are more trackable than gift cards, so you’re likely better off going for the gift variety. No one’s going to stop you from purchasing a hundred $250 gift cards, or however many you want to buy, at whatever monetary amount. The upside to these cards is that you have instant access to your cash, you don’t have to drive out to the desert to dig it up like Mr. White, and there’s no large scale laundering operation to maintain.
Granted, this will work best with just several thousand dollars; real billionaires will certainly need to get more creative in order to maintain anonymity.
So there you have it. Five solid ways to hide your money from the federal government like a rogue millionaire. Give it a shot, tell your friends, and get cracking. You’ll be living the high life in no time.