1. America is cheerfully distracted from the horrors of the world by LochteGate.
Yes, there’s been lots of amazing stuff that’s happened at the Olympics this week (mostly involving Simone Biles and her apparent ability to defy gravity), but what about stupid stuff? Enter Ryan Lochte, the medalling U.S. swimmer with the silly blue hair. Lochte and three of his fellow swimming bros claimed that they were robbed at gunpoint in Rio last week—but actually it turns out they drunkenly busted up a gas station and lied about it! An Olympic spokesman said to let bygones be bygones, that they were just some “kids” trying to “have fun.” But uh… Lochte is a fully 32-year-old adult man. All we can say is… What a bunch of doofuses.
2. A horse danced to Santana’s “Smooth.”
And speaking of silly things that happened at the Olympics: Remember “Smooth,” Santana and Rob Thomas’s 1999 No. 1 crossover hit? And you know dressage, the weird and wonderful Olympic event where equestrians make their horses do elaborate little dances? Combine those two things and you’ve got Spanish Olympian Severo Jesus Jurado Lopez’s routine, in which he and his steed, Lorenzo, got down Santana’s sick guitar riffs. He didn’t win a metal, because there is no justice in this world, but we challenge you to watch a video of the routine and not positively giggle with glee.
3. A Nebraska dad ate a bunch of pot brownies and was a jerk to his cat.
The headline really says it all here. But in brief: A 50-something guy in Omaha ate four brownies that his kids had left lying around which turned out to be, of course, weed brownies. His wife called the police when he started acting strange, and by acting strange, we mean crawling across the rug and calling the family cat a “bitch.” Paramedics led the guy to his own bed and that was that. We really hope he apologized to the cat, though.
4. Naked effigies of Donald Trump have materialized in five U.S. cities.
This is what we call street art for good. Detailed, deliciously unflattering statues of a stark-naked Trumpinator appeared overnight in public squares in Manhattan, L.A., San Francisco, Cleveland and Seattle. And man, are they something to behold. Red, veiny skin over a massive gut, that jowly visage—and, oh yeah: a micropenis and nary a testicle in site. The plaque at its base, stamped by anonymous street art group Indecline, reads: THE EMPEROR HAS NO BALLS. We’re deeply grossed out by these pudgy avatars, but even more deeply delighted.
5. Scientists spotted the cutest little squid you ever did see.
Nature is full of wonders; it’s also full of cute little squeaky toy living, breathing Pokémons. Researchers on the Exploration Vessel Nautilus were mapping the ocean floor off the coast of Southern California last week when they came across something that made them squee: a stubby squid, a.k.a. Rossia pacifica, with big googly eyes and bright purple tentacles that most closely resembles Futurama‘s Dr. Zoidberg. The only thing better than the creature itself is the scientists’ delighted reactions, captured forever on video. “Bye, little guy!” “I mean, we can still look at him if you want.…”