1. Masked shirtless men are wanted in Australia for theft and crocodile-hurling.
We swear to God we’re not making this up. In the town of (also not made up) Humpty Doo, Australia, this week, a foursome of scantily clad dudes with stockings over their heads broke into a school office, first smashing through a glass door and then—yes—tossing three small crocodiles in through the hole. The perps rushed in after them, tore apart the office a bit, and absconded with a computer, leaving the crocs behind. The masked weirdos are still at large, and local police have no clue as to their identities or their motive. Do watch the security cam footage, as it is a gift to mankind in these benighted times.
2. NASA has found a potentially habitable planet right next door.
Well, “next door” in the interstellar sense, anyway. NASA’s Kepler mission has been spotting Earthlike planets around the galaxy for some time now, but it’s stumbled upon one that’s far closer than any we’ve seen before. It’s an orb orbiting in the “Goldilocks zone” of Proxima Centauri, the star nearest to our own—only 4.2 light years away! A mere 25 trillion miles! Proxima b gets less heat from its red dwarf sun than Earth does, but its proximity to the star means that it could potentially house liquid water. If you need us, we’ll be over here kitting out an interstellar escape craft to use in the event of a Trump presidency.
3. No, Ian McKellen will not pretend to be Gandalf at your wedding.
As he’s objectively the most darling and no-bullshit man in the British Isles, it comes as no surprise that Ian McKellen will flat-out not sell himself to the highest bidder. It has come to light that Napster mogul Sean Parker offered the venerable actor $1.5 million to officiate his Lord of the Rings–themed wedding in 2013, in character as Gandalf the Grey. But McKellen turned the cash down, bless him. “I don’t go dressing up, except in plays and things,” he said. “So I said, ‘I am sorry, Gandalf doesn’t do weddings.'” One thing Gandalf certainly does do: throw mad shade.
4. A Minnesota dog was elected for his third term as mayor.
Welcome to Cormorant, Minnesota (pop. 1,039), where if you’ve got political dreams and a downy coat of fur, you can become mayor. Duke, a nine-year-old Great Pyrenees, has been elected to the highest office in Cormorant not one, not two, but three times. He was first elected in 2014 by 12 write-ins, and his winning streak continued from there. It’s unclear what Duke’s duties as mayor are, but he looks amazing in a spangled top hat. God bless America?
5. A fisherman kept the world’s largest pearl under his bed for a decade.
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio… In Palawan, an island in the Philippines, a local fisherman has been keeping a massive 75-pound pearl under his bed for more than ten years as a good luck charm. He first found the treasure when his boat’s anchor snagged on what turned out to be a giant clam. When he moved towns, he gave the pearl to his aunt for safekeeping, who in turn gave it to the mayor to put on display. Experts are amazed by the thing, which, if authentic, would be worth a cool $100 million. We sure hope the dude comes back for his pearl.