1. It is so, so cold outside
How cold is it? So cold that parts of the churning Niagara Falls have frozen over. So cold that people in Tennessee are dying of hypothermia. So cold that the Kentucky town of Harlan put out an arrest warrant for Queen Elsa from Frozen. So cold that the mayor of Boston has had to tell certain idiot citizens to stop jumping out of their windows into person-high snowdrifts. Long story short: Stay the hell inside this weekend.

2. Oscar madness comes to head
And luckily, you’ll have something to watch while you wait out the deep freeze. The 87th Academy Awards air this Sunday. It’s all biopics, broody identity crises and (surprise!) white guys this year, as Birdman, Boyhood and all the rest compete for the little gold guy. Street artist Plastic Jesus has placed a giant coke-snorting statuette on Hollywood Boulevard as grim commentary on Hollywood’s drug culture. And on a lighter note, Jimmy Fallon had Best Actor nominee Michael Keaton on his show to perform dramatic readings of alternate Birdman scripts written by little kids. “All you need to do is touch my beak!” [Rolling Stone]

3. Underwater giant-lemur graveyard found in Madagascar
Divers exploring the waters of Madagascar’s Tsimanampetsotse National Park discovered a subaquatic cave containing the skeletal remains of long-extinct mega-lemurs. Yes, that’s right: lemurs as big as gorillas, which died out sometime in the last two millennia. Fossils of elephant birds and primitive crocodiles were also found in the sea cave. No word yet on whether the researchers were visited by the vengeful lemur ghost. We would hate to run into one of those things in a dark grotto. [National Geographic]

4. Comedians crash Ingrid Michaelson video
Singer of wedding-dance-ready fluff songs Ingrid Michaelson dropped a new music video this week that’s as sweetly self-deprecating as that one Mumford & Sons video with Jason Sudeikis & Co. For “Time Machine,” Michaelson managed to assemble an impressive roster of funny dudes—Rainn Wilson, Donald Faison, Matt Jones, even Hurley from Lost—hilariously stealing her singer-songwriter thunder. It’s worth watching for Kevin Malone’s sexy dance alone. [Mic]

5. Two and a Half Men finale is weird as hell
After 12 execrable seasons, Chuck Lorre’s absolutely awful sitcom came to an end last night. The big question on everyone’s mind: Would terrible human Charlie Sheen be back? Kind of, but no. The series finale, “Of Course He’s Dead,” revealed that his presumed deceased character, Charlie, had been alive all this time, kept prisoner in a Silence of the Lambs-style well(!) by his crazy wife. It all culminates in a Sheen stand-in getting killed when a piano(!) falls from the sky and crushes him. Oh, and then Lorre is also on camera? And a piano also falls on him? We don’t…we have no idea. We’re just glad it’s over. [Vulture]