1. Scientists: Men are idiots
So you know the Darwin Awards, the highest honor you can get for dying in very dumb ways? According to a study in the British Medical Journal, it turns out that 88.7 percent of the winners between 1995 and 2014 are dudes. That’s right: Ladies have a much lower chance of kicking the bucket due to stupidity.  [New York]

2. Obama takes over The Colbert Report
With only a handful of episodes left before Stephen Colbert leaves Comedy Central for networkier climes, the host is pulling out all the stops. His latest stunt? Handing over the anchor chair to none other than the Commander-in-Chief himself. “Nation, as you know, I, Stephen Colbert, have never cared for our president,” Obama begins. Well played, sirs. [Slate]

3. Porn protestors sit on each other’s faces outside Parliament
Demonstrations erupted in London today over a new set of restrictions from the U.K. government concerning what sex acts are and aren’t allowed to be depicted in British skin flicks. Among the bans: spanking, strangling and face-sitting. Censorship opponents (many of them sex workers) responded by gathering in front of Parliament and squatting on each other’s visages. The protest also included rousing renditions of Monty Python ditty “Sit on My Face,” officially solidifying the event as the best British public demonstration ever. [Guardian]

4. Ebola fighters are Time‘s Person of the Year
In a distinct step up from 2006 eye-roll classic “You,” Time magazine has picked the health-care workers on the front lines of the Ebola epidemic as its Person(s) of 2014. “The rest of the world can sleep at night because a group of men and women are willing to stand and fight,” Time’s Nancy Gibbs wrote. To that we say: Amen. [Time]

5. Billy Crystal scripts Robin Williams’s afterlife
What’s that? You wanted to blubber like a baby about something today? We’ve got your tearjerker right here. Billy Crystal eulogized his friend Robin Williams in the most perfect way possible. Crystal has penned a script that imagines the late comedy great doing a stand-up show in heaven, perfectly nailing Williams’s tone and imagining him rubbing elbows with awesome dead people from Johnny Carson to Anne Frank. Someone needs to perform and animate this thing, stat. [EW.com]