1. Key and Peele to live-commentate the Super Bowl.
So word on the street is there’s gonna be some type of major pigskin game this Sunday. We’re not sure what or who’s playing, but we do know one thing: the unstoppable comedy due of Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele, whose Comedy Central sketch show wrapped earlier this year, are coming back to the airwaves to cover the whole thing. Well, at least the virtual airwaves. In a partnership with Squarespace, Key and Peele (with the craziest possible hair, weird accents and a white parrot in tow) will be livestreaming starting at 6 pm on game day. Most hilariously of all, they legally aren’t allowed to say the words “Super Bowl” or to mention any teams or players involved. This. Is going to be. Awesome.
2. “Please clap,” pleaded sad sack.
We almost feel bad for the guy. Almost. (Then we remember his political views and don’t feel so bad anymore.) Mopey Eeyore Bush scion Jeb, with his hilarious exclamation-pointed campaign posters and his low poll numbers, hit rock bottom during a speech in New Hampshire earlier this week, which featured rousing statements like, “I think the next president needs to be a lot quieter.” But the ending was the kicker: after a few tense seconds of audience silence at the end of his declaration, he muttered miserably, “Please clap.” The audience responded, but boy oh boy. Someone give that poor bastard a hug, maybe?
3. Dutch cops are training eagles to take down drones.
What’s smarter and faster than an unmanned flying robot menace? A goddamn bird of prey, that’s what. Police in the Netherlands are training eagles—yup, eagles—to swoop into the air and capture out-of-bounds drones between their ferocious talons. It’s not as wacky as it sounds, considering alternate lo-fi solutions have included…uh…nets, and because these raptors are really freaking good at taking down flying prey. We can’t wait till Michael Bay releases his adaptation, Robots vs. Eagles, in 2026.
4. Titanic II to set sail in 2018, because humans don’t learn from their mistakes.
Talk about your hubris. Aussie billionaire Clive Palmer, who really enjoys tempting the fates, we guess, has plans to fund the construction of an ocean liner that will be nearly identical to the Titanic—y’know, that ship that famously sunk and killed lots of people because of mankind’s crazy pride back in 1912? The new Titanic will have modern amenities and safety features (like, uh, enough lifeboats), and will sail from China to Dubai. And you are absolutely 100 percent crazy if you book a ticket on this floating middle-finger-to-God.
5. A man built an elaborate, cinematic squirrel obstacle course.
Squirrels: pest, or fun test subject for nonsense? British film buff Steve Barley, who’s got lots of time on his hands, constructed something in his backyard called “Squirrels at the Movies,” a multi-tiered, Rube Goldberg-like obstacle course for the squirrels in his Hertfordshire backyard. The course includes tiny, lovingly made set pieces inspired by the likes of Jaws, Spider-Man and Indiana Jones. We can’t tell who’s having more fun: Barley or the squirrels. Or maybe us.