1. Cape Breton offers asylum to Americans if Trump wins the election.
In the midst of this endless, awful election cycle, have you been covetously eying Canada and it’s super-enlightened, babelicious Prime Minister? Turns out Canada totally gets it, you guys. Rob Calabrese, a native of Cape Breton—an idyllic island in Nova Scotia—has extended an open-armed invitation to liberal Americans looking to flee from a potential Trump presidency. “This is not a joke. You belong here with us on Cape Breton Island, where health care is free, you know your neighbours and they look out for you, and nobody has a handgun!” he wrote on a website he launched called Cape Breton If Donald Trump Wins. Plus fresh seafood, coastal views and step dancing? Um. Sign us up.

2. An evil monkey got wasted and chased people with a knife. Really.
Some threats you just don’t ever see coming. A capuchin monkey at a bar in Paraiba, Brazil, got into a glass of cachaça (a distilled a liquor) and fully grabbed a foot-long knife, which he proceeded to wield with impunity against the bar patrons. (And yes, capuchins are those freakishly intelligent monkeys who use tools in the wild.) Firemen captured the menace and let him go in a wildlife refuge—but the little jerk proceeded to harass children, so he had to be locked up again. What exactly happened in this guy’s childhood?

3. An Italian coffeepot mogul died and was buried in a coffeepot.
Who says you can’t take it with you? Renato Bialetti is best known for the Moka pot, the iconic Italian espresso pot that his father invented and he made famous. The tycoon died last week at the ripe old age of 93, but he’s taking his beloved pot to the grave—literally. His ashes were interred inside an oversize replica of the Moka, leading to this surreal photo of a priest swinging a censer over a espresso maker. Bialetti was buried alongside his wife, insuring that nobody accidentally mistakes his remains for…y’know. Coffee grounds.

4. A Florida teen was arrested for pretending to be a doctor.
Step aside, Doogie Howser. Malachi Love-Robinson, an 18-year-old from West Palm Beach, was booked this week for pretending to be a licensed MD—to the point where he actually had opened his own clinic and was seeing patients. The best part? He was calling himself “Dr. Love.” And this isn’t even his first rodeo. The dude was arrested last year for posing as a pregnancy doctor at an area hospital. The Department of Health was the one to uncover the ruse, but Dr. Love remains steadfast that he is a doctor even though he literally isn’t. “I’m hurt because of all these allegations,” he said. Take a seat, kid.

5. A triceratops created a roadblock in the Isle of Wight.
It’s not just the place where old Beatles rent summer cottages anymore. The U.K.’s Isle of Wight this week was host to a large, lifelike dinosaur replica that materialized in the middle of High Street in the village of Godshill this week. The big guy came from the “Jurassic Garden,” a nearby outdoor shop that sells fossils. Maintenance workers moved the behemoth back to its home turf, but it still remains a mystery how it wound up in the road. “It takes about five blokes to move the dinosaur a couple of inches, so it was definitely a concerted effort and drink was probably involved,” said the dino’s owner. We still haven’t ruled out a Jurassic Park scenario, however. Somebody call Jeff Goldblum.