1. Nick Offerman’s Yule log video will relax your face right off.
I think we can all agree it’s been a horrific week, news-wise and humankind-wise. So before you doanything else, please enjoy the wonderful gift that Zen master/font of manly wisdom Nick Offerman has given us this Christmas: 45 solid minutes of the erstwhile Ron Swanson sitting in front of a roaring, crackling fire, slowly sipping Lagavulin and gazing sagely at the camera. We’ll wait. …There, feeling better now? Good. Us too.
2. Celebrate Festivus in a replica of the Seinfeld apartment.
Attention, Los Angelinos: It’s time get the pole out of the crawlspace and prepare your Feats of Strength, because Festivus is fast approaching. And this year, you can celebrate the Frank Costanza–invented holiday in a lovingly re-created replica of Jerry’s apartment from Seinfeld, open to the public in West Hollywood from December 16 through 20. In addition to various other ephemera from the show, the apartment will include an aluminum pole that you can gather ’round to air your grievances. Don’t hold back.
3. Ted Cruz family outtakes are the most awkward thing of all time.
No matter how uncomfortable things get at your family gatherings this holiday season, you can take comfort in the fact that they won’t be half as cringe-inducing as Ted Cruz’s. The putty-faced GOP candidate left 16 hours of raw footage lying around on YouTube of he and his loved ones making treacly campaign endorsements. Gawker compiled the weirdest of them into a three-minute video that plays like bizarre performance art full of director-timed hugs and unendurable silences.
4. South Dakota ghost town for sale to highest bidder.
And for not even that much, honestly. The derelict town of Swett, South Dakota, can be yours for just $250,000. That’s less than the cost of a studio apartment in Manhattan, for godssakes. Founded in the 1930s and gradually left to its lonesome by residents moving out, Swett comes complete with a shuttered bar, a coupla trailers and a supposedly haunted house. Better yet, the real estate agent in charge of the deal replaced the town sign with one that doesn’t have a giant bullethole through it. Get on it, o pioneers.
5. Dave Grohl and Animal face off in sweaty drum battle.
ABC’s The Muppets has been a sallow-faced disappointment on the whole, but at least it’s given us this. On this week’s episode, the two most legendary drummers since Keith Moon matched sticks in a ferocious drum-off that pitted man against beast. “I’ve been waitin’ years for this, Animal,” the Foo Fighter declares at the top of the clip. The question isn’t so much who wins, but who can destroy their kit the fastest. Gauntlet thrown.