1. A weasel has taken out the Large Hadron Collider.
It may be the most powerful particle accelerator in the world, but one weasel was not having it—and that’s all it took. The 17-mile-long Large Hadron Collider, which has been in the process of conducting new tests on the mysterious Higgs Boson particle, shut down overnight. An investigation led to the discovery of a tiny, flash-grilled animal that had chewed its way through a power cable. Apparently the little Luddite was either a weasel or a marten. So this just in: Weasels/martens hate science. But fortunately, it looks like the Collider will be operational again in a few days. Talk about putting your body upon the gears.


2. A British inventor has built his very own hoverbike.
Screw hoverboards—the new big thing is a goddamn flying bicycle. Amateur inventor/mad genius Colin Furze piloted a working hoverbike, created using motorized parasailing propellers and a whole lot of trial and error. This is the same guy who has also built his own thermite cannon, hover shoes and rocket-powered baby stroller. The bike looks like something straight out of Minority Report, and Furze somehow didn’t die while testing and riding it wearing absolutely no protective gear. Check out the video, in which Furze stresses that he has absolutely no qualifications for engineering or piloting this monster.

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3. An ancient mosaic features the world’s chillest skeleton.
Rarely is archeology quite this cheery. Diggers on a site in Turkey uncovered the excellently preserved floor of a 3rd-century building, which includes adorable mosaic art of a super chillaxed skeleton drinking a glass of wine and reclining against a loaf of bread, accompanied by the words “Be cheerful and live your life.” It’s unknown what the purpose of the house was, but who cares? This is the best advice ever, skeleton. You—and the wine you can’t actually drink because it will just fall straight through your bones—are our new mascot.

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4. A giant subterranean lake may be flowing under Antarctica.
Ice and its secrets! Scientists studying that mysterious continent on the bottom of the world think they may have discovered the existence of a massive lake beneath the ice, stretching 87 miles across. The craziest part is that if it indeed is down there, the body of water could be swarming with life that has remained untouched for thousands of years, developing separately from other flora and fauna on earth. We’re crossing our fingers for an ice kraken queen sitting on a throne made of dinosaurs.

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5. An oft-vandalized nude statue has been issued a detachable penis.
Alas, poor Heracles. A naked statue of the mythical Roman figure that stands in a park in Arcachon, France has been suffering a particularly emasculating fate: regularly having its dick stolen. Yup. Mysterious vandals have been pulling the phallus from the statue and leaving a sad eunuch in the middle of the park. The city’s solution? Heracles’s schlong is now detachable, and will only be on display during park celebrations. We’re pretty sure this is the only time in modern history when the way to show respect during formal ceremonies is to whip out your dong.