1. America has too much cheese.
This is what we call “a good problem to have.” According to the business minds at Bloomberg, the United States is sitting on top of the largest stockpile of cheese the country as seen in three decades. It’s a combination of bries, Swisses and whatnot imported from Europe and record highs in domestic dairy production. The upshot being, let’s all build Scrooge McDuck–style vaults where we can swim in vast piles of delicious, delicious cheese. Just remember to keep that shit refrigerated.
2. Star Wars has found its new Han Solo.
The galaxy’s favorite grizzled smuggler may have kicked the bucket in The Force Awakens (and no we’re not saying spoiler alert, it’s been months, you assholes), but there’s still story left to tell. For a TBA prequel movie about Han before he got mixed up in all that Death Star business, the Star Wars powers that be have cast young actor Alden Ehrenreich. You might recognize his vaguely Harrison Ford-y mug from Hail, Caesar! and Blue Jasmine. We think the kid’ll do a good job. The real question is, who gets to play Young Chewbacca?
3. A man built a mini Jurassic Park for his pet tortoise.
It’s the best news since that guy built a cardboard version of Game of Thrones‘ Red Keep for his bunny rabbit. YouTuber/’90s movie buff Oliver Turpin constructed a loving re-creation of the park from Jurassic Park for his pet leopard tortoise, Louie, which features an epic, torch-flanked entrance, containment gates, a pool and a visitors’ center. No tiny Wayne Knight to get devoured by tiny spitting dinos, alas.
4. Google’s bot is binge-reading romance novels.
Apparently the only thing that’s standing between us and the Singularity is…steamy bodice-rippers? Google is trying to teach its A.I. to speak more naturally, and to help it out, developers have fed the bot the text of 2,865 crappy paperback romance novels with names like Jacked Up and Fatal Desire. “Hopefully with this work, and future work, it can be more conversational, or can have a more varied tone, or style, or register,” said one software guy. I mean, if you want it to learn phrases like “soft mound” and “heaving chest,” then… Sure. Super conversational.
5. A new glowing jellyfish has been discovered in the Mariana Trench.
The deepest part of the ocean is the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to weird new animals. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has stumbled upon a never-before-seen type of bioluminescent jellyfish 2.3 miles below the surface of the Pacific, whose “body” is full of little glowing orbs and whose stringy tentacles shine in the dark. This thing is so new they don’t even have a name for it yet. But man, is it pretty.