1. Pokémon Go has taken over the universe for some reason.
You may not be able to catch all the Pokémon, but the Pokémon have managed to catch the entire smartphone-owning populace. Ever since the Pokémon Go app launched last week, people of all ages have taken to the streets with their faces even more buried in their phones than they already were. And results have been… mixed. There’s the guy who crashed his car into a tree, the two dudes who fell off a cliff, the kid who got bit by an actual venomous snake in Texas… Oh, yeah, and the girl who, while searching for a water-dwelling Pokémon, discovered a dead body floating in a river. Ask yourself, who’s really the trainer here?
2. Flying robots will feed endangered ferrets vaccinated M&M’s.
The scary news: There’s a deadly disease threatening the population of the rare black-footed ferret. The adorable news: M&M-equipped drones are gonna fix it. Only about 300 of the little guys remain in the wild in America, and their numbers could further be dwindled by the Syvatic plague. Fortunately, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is going to come to the ferrets’ rescue by using flying drones to drop vaccine-laced, peanut butter-covered M&M’s throughout UL Bend National Wildlife Refuge in central Montana, the animals’ main habitat. The only thing that would be better is if the drones and the ferrets became best friends.
3. Nintendo is releasing a mini NES with 30 preinstalled games.
As if everyone’s childhood nostalgia wasn’t already off the charts, Nintendo is giving us a Proustian madeleine in the form of an itty bitty old-school NES console. The so-called NES Classic Edition, set to drop in November for the very decent price of $59.99, looks exactly like the original, only tinier. And yes, it comes complete with a whole bunch of beloved games including all three Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda and Donkey Kong. Bowl of soggy Froot Loops and your footie Spider-Man pajamas not included.
4. Idiot Sanders supporters will hold a “fart-in” at the DNC.
What’s the cool thing to do when your candidate who didn’t win the nomination backs the candidate who did? Protest with flatulence, duh. Disgruntled Bernie Sanders backers are planning on protesting Hillary Clinton’s presidential bid by holding a “fart-in” at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia next month, which is exactly what it sounds like: Protesters will eat a bunch of beans, stand in a mass inside the convention center and poot out their grievances. What a bunch of assholes.
5. The world’s fastest human catapult debuted in Dubai.
As if Dubai weren’t already stuffed full of superlative and unnecessary things, there’s now a giant slingshot that will shoot a living human being into the air at 125 miles per hour. That’s 6 Gs—a.k.a. three times the force that astronauts are subjected to when they’re launched into space. Somehow people don’t die doing this, but good god. Check out the video to experience the madness virtually. And don’t forget to pull your parachute.