1. A ninth planet may exist at the edge of the solar system.
The solar system just seems to be getting bigger every day. Two scientists at Caltech have discovered evidence that there might be a big ol’ planet (around the size of Neptune) far beyond the Kuiper Belt but still orbiting our sun. Well, really slowly orbits. Like, one orbit every 15,000 years. And the irony of ironies: One of the researchers, Mike Brown, is the same guy who got Pluto declassified as a planet back in 2005. You can’t just add in a new ninth planet because you feel like it, Mike. (Sorry. We’re still kinda bitter.)
2. Gay Donald Trump erotica is the thing you never knew you always wanted.
All the high fives today to Elijah Daniel, a 22-year-old comedian who just came out with a little masterpiece called Trump Temptations: The Billionaire & the Bellboy. Daniel penned the tale—in which Mr. Trump seduces a bellboy struck by “his oil orange skin glistening in the sunlight as if he were a soggy Cheeto”—in four hours while roaring drunk, and it is glorious. We took the liberty of downloading the e-book ourselves ($1.99 on Amazon—how can you not?), which includes such glorious descriptions as: “His face is wrinkled like a beautiful overflowing flesh toilet.” How soon until someone works up the nerve to do a dramatic reading of this at a Trump rally?
3. Snow penises sweep Sweden.
Are snow dicks the new snowmen? Earlier this week, a mystery vandal drew a giant cock and balls in the snow covering a frozen pond at Kungsparken in Gothenburg, Sweden. The ice was too thin for park workers to venture out and wipe it away the quick way, so they had to use a cartoonishly long mop to sweep away the effigy. And as if that wasn’t hilarious enough, Emilian Sava, one of the guys who erased it, turned around and made his OWN snow schlong in Gothenburg—this one so big that it can only really be seen from the sky. “No one can get offended by the penis. It can’t be seen from the ground,” he reasoned. Perfection.
4. Seth Meyers’s fake trailer is the ultimate Boston movie parody.
Anyone who’s spent time in Boston (and don’t you dare call it “Beantown”) knows that movies set in the city are riddled with curiously redundant tropes: the hardened cop from Southie, the Kennedy-esque politician, the Dropkick Murphys soundtrack, the gritty establishing shots. On Late Night with Seth Meyers, Meyers & Co. brilliantly sent up all those R-dropping, Red Sox–loving petty criminals in a trailer for a fake movie called Boston Accent. “See the movie that is being hailed as chock-full of aerial shots of Fenway Park,” the voiceover declares. And it only gets better from there.
5. Frozen pants take over Minnesota.
Either Minnesota has been taken over by shirtless ghosts, or it’s just really cold outside and everyone’s bored. In Minneapolis, business owner Tom Grotting has started a trend of pouring water on jeans, freezing them in the frigid winter air, then standing them upright in the snow. The resulting “art” makes it look like everyone in northeast Minneapolis raptured right out of their trousers, but it’s at least as delightful as it is creepy.