1. U.S. Women’s World Cup team gets awesome parade
Everyone dreams of a ticker-tape parade of their very own, and today, the U.S. women’s soccer team got the one that they so richly deserve. After their historic World Cup win against Japan last weekend, they’ve become the first women’s sports team in history to get their own parade down Manhattan’s Canyon of Heroes. The last lady athletes to make the vaunted trek were Olympians Mary Lou Retton and Cheryl Miller back in 1984. Congratulations, ladies, and it’s about damn time. [CNN]

2. Cursed video game may or may not devour your soul
The name Sad Satan should’ve been a tip-off to stay far, far away. But Irish horror buff Jamie Farrell YouTube-d his experience playing the authorless game, which he found in some obscure backwater of the Internet, and it was so creepy that he eventually deleted it. We’re talking grainy black-and-white Satanic images, Nazi photos, screaming mutants, unfathomable labyrinths—the whole shebang. It’s not searchable, so obsessives on Reddit are having trouble finding it—but they’re madly trying to “decode” the images on Farrell’s footage. If you ask us, these guys are just asking to be zapped into piles of rotting ash. Seriously, did everyone forget about The Ring?! [Mic]

3. Chris Gethard engineers happiest three minutes of TV ever
On the exact opposite note, comedian Chris Gethard used the occasion of human smile factory Ellie Kemper’s appearance on his show to make the whole world giddy with joy. In a video dubbed “The Most Positive 3 Minutes in Television History,” he treats the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt star to a cavalcade of joyous things, from a toddler in a tuxedo slam-dunking a tiny basketball to a fuzzy dog dressed up as Ira Glass. Yes, you will smile so hard it will make your heart hurt. Just watch.

4. Swiss develop satellite-eating spacecraft
Space trash—it’s not necessarily a problem yet, but it will be soon if we keep shooting crap up there (I mean, we all saw Gravity, right?). Researchers at the EPFL Center for Space Engineering in Switzerland have are working on a design for CleanSpace One, a satellite designed to eat defunct satellites and other sundry human space junk. Call it sky Pac-Man, call it satellite cannibalism, but either way, it’s probably safer than Japan’s blow-it-up-with-lasers idea. [Smithsonian]

5. Calgary man flies with 110 helium balloons and a lawn chair
Who says Up was a Pixar pipe dream? Amateur Canadian stuntman Dan Boria launched himself into the clouds above Calgary earlier this week, buoyed by more than 100 oversize balloons, riding in a lawn chair. Amazingly, it worked, and Boria survived his escapade unscathed, landing with the help of a parachute. Sure, it was all a publicity stunt, and sure, the cops arrested him immediately upon landing and took away his GoPro. But this guy is still our new hero. [RT]