1. Jon Stewart has last Daily Show hurrah
Jon, Jon, Jon. We hardly knew ye. Well, okay, actually, we knew ye really well, after 17 years on the air as the host of the now-venerable Daily Show. Stewart’s last night on the air was a weep-inducing hour of tributes and farewells, including appearances by a veritable galaxy of former contributors from Steve Carell to John Oliver. Stephen Colbert offered up a heartfelt unscripted thanks to Stewart on behalf of the many comedians whose careers began at TDS, and Stewart himself, wiping away a tear or two, delivered an eloquent speech on knowing how to spot bullshit. Oh, and naturally Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band closed out the evening with “Born to Run.” Godspeed, Stewart. [Rolling Stone]

2. Deez Nuts, Limberbutt McCubbins join presidential race
As if there weren’t already way too many idiot candidates who have tossed their hats into the presidential election pool (the less said about last night’s GOP primary debate, the better). But perhaps America will find the commander-in-chief it deserves in Deez Nuts, a recently registered Independent candidate from the great state of Iowa. Also vying for a spot in the Oval Office: Limberbutt McCubbins, a Democrat housecat from Kentucky. And yes, he has a website. We have our fingers crossed for a Nuts-McCubbins debate standoff to rival Kennedy-Nixon in 1960. [CBS News]

3. Miller High Life is the secret to longevity, says 110-year-old
It ain’t just the Champagne of Beers—it’s apparently the Fountain of Youth. Agnes Fenton, a New Jersey woman who recently turned the big 11-0, shared the secret to long life: On a long-ago doctor’s recommendation, she’s been drinking three cans of Miller High Life and a shot of scotch on a daily basis for the past seven decades. This lady is so cool, she has her own day in her hometown of Englewood: August 2 is officially Agnes Fenton Day. So does that mean that if you drink six Millers a day, you live to be even older? Only one way to find out.… [North Jersey]

4. Surfing on a dirt bike: actually a thing that is possible
Stunt rider Robbie Maddison has set a new bar in crazy motorcycle tricks. He tricked out a dirt bike with buoyant skis so that he could ride on water, like some sort of Easy Rider Jesus Christ. But that’s not all: Not content to merely zoom down rivers and over open ocean, he actually surfed with his crazy contraption, riding a giant wave in Teahupoo, Tahiti. He said the stunt was a “near-death experience” for him, but the good news is that it looks totally badass—and when you’re wearing a motorcycle helmet, no one can see you scream. Check out the video below. [Surfer Mag]

5. Whole Foods attempts to sell “asparagus water” for $5.99 a pop
How gullible are American consumers? Apparently not gullible enough to go in for something called “asparagus water.” What the hell is that, you ask? Literally a bottle of water with a few stalks of asparagus propped up inside it, which appeared on shelves at a Los Angeles Whole Foods retailing for a whopping $5.99. After the patently ridiculous item got shamed all over the Internet, Whole Foods pulled it from their shelves and attempted to cover their asses. A publicist for the store claimed it had been meant to be “water with the essence of vegetables,” but it was “made incorrectly.” Is there a correct way to con people out of their money? [Jezebel]