1. Banksy opens dystopian Dismaland in North Somerset.
Mysterious iconoclast Banksy has been prepping something big lately, and now we know what it is: Dismaland Bemusement Park, a wonderfully dire Disneyland sendup built inside an abandoned resort on the west coast of England. Preview shots of the sprawling art installation show a derelict version of the Magic Kingdom, a waterslide coming out of a ruined police van and a butcher chopping up carousel horses. Artists including Josh Keyes, Axel Void and Polly Morgan all contributed to the freaky park, and will be open to visitors from this weekend through September 7. We’ve never been more delighted by a manifestation of our childhood nightmares.

2. Bad Lip Reading takes on the first GOP debate.
Still disgusted at humanity at large, and Americans specifically, after the recent Republican debate? The Bad Lip Reading guys (of Medieval Land Fun-Time World fame) are here to salve your wounded soul with their lip dub of the debate, which includes such sublime moments as Ted Cruz offering to “drink a sorority’s goldfish” and Marco Rubio performing a funk number about bald tigers. Still, no Dadaist reinterpretation can do anything to make Donald Trump sound any more ridiculous and insane than he does in real life.

3. Ashley Madison hackers drop users’ information.
Philanderers across the world were rightfully quaking in their boots after dating-for-adulterers site Ashley Madison was breached by hackers. This week, about 28 million users’ info got dumped onto the Dark Net, and now everyone can see it. Among the revelations: More than 13,000 people on the site were using .mil and .gov e-mail addresses, which does wonders for the whole anonymity thing. There were even a handful of Vatican.com accounts. It’s all pretty ugly—and has scary implications for the privacy of non-creepoids in the future—but we can’t help but feel a pleasant tingle of schadenfreude all the same.

4. Pittsburgh convenience store robbery turns into sword showdown.
In a scene worthy of Indiana Jones, a pair of teenagers who were attempting to rob a bodega at machete-point got what was coming to them. The cashier, certified badass Jewad Hayih, responded to the threat by busting out a cartoonishly large scimitar(!) from behind the counter, which the would-be thieves responded to by fleeing in terror. Best of all, the whole thing was captured via security camera, and it’s just perfect. If you could hear sound, pretty likely you’d hear Hayih saying: “That’s not a knife. THIS is a knife.”

5. Plague of locusts descends on Burning Man.
Well, okay, not literally locusts, but close enough. With less than a week left to go until indescribable desert art festival Burning Man gets underway, organizers setting up camp are reporting an infestation of several kinds of insects that both itch and smell terrible. Turns out it’s a combo of stink bugs and seed bugs, both of which have a pungent odor and one of which will dig into human skin in an attempt to extract water. Sounds like it’s gonna be a fun time on the playa this year!