1. Oxford Dictionaries adds butthurt, beer o’clock, manspreading
What would George Orwell say? Oxford Dictionaries, the casual branch of the stuffier Oxford English Dictionary, added a whole slew of decidedly modern “words” to its lexicon this week. In addition to the ones listed above, other officially-English-now terms include awesomesauce, cat café, manic pixie dream girl and pwnange. The definitions are endearingly formal, like this one for hangry: “bad-tempered or irritable as a result of hunger.”

2. Location of vanished Nazi gold train revealed
In a plot straight out of Indiana Jones, Polish officials believe they may have uncovered a buried train that could harbor a legendary cache of Third Reich gold that’s been missing since World War II. The potential find came after the deathbed confession of an unidentified German man, and radar has revealed the blurry shape of what may be a 109-yard-long train in an underground tunnel. The source said it may also be wired with explosives; we’re more worried about the Ark of the Covenant being wedged in there somewhere.

3. University of Hertfordshire to hold werewolf conference
Aaoooo! Werewolves of Hertfordshire. Aaoooo! Alright, enough of that. Next month, a U.K. college will bring scholars from all over the globe to a three-day conference on lycanthropy called Open Graves, Open Minds. Among the scheduled events are a visit to the grave of “Peter the Wild Boy,” a lecture on werewolves in fashion, and more serious talks about actual trials held for accused wolfen types in olden times. Here’s hoping the conference doesn’t coincide with the full moon.

4. Woman chugs Cognac at airport security
The hazards of not following the TSA’s absurd liquids rule: A Chinese woman tried to bring a bottle of $200 Cognac in her carry-on bag at the Beijing airport, and was stopped by security. Her solution? Down the entire thing on the spot. Although the action earned her plenty of badass points, the aftermath was to be expected—she started acting crazy drunk and then passed out. But let it never be said that this intrepid woman let a good thing go to waste.

5. Portland Pooper still at large
Why is it always Portland? A mystery man has been quite literally shitting all over southwest Portland, Oregon, dropping deuces in public in apparently premeditated acts of scatological aggression. A shop owner caught the dude on tape doing his business, and flyers with his gross mug have been placed around the city. If captured, he’ll be charged with “offensive littering,” which really adds a whole new dimension to the word littering.