1. Hillary and the nation suffer through the Benghazi Hearing.
The only person who’s more sick of hearing about the Benghazi non-scandal than you are is Hillary “No Time for This Shit” Clinton. She endured a grueling 11-hour congressional hearing yesterday spearheaded by Republicans who apparently love wasting taxpayer dollars as long as it’s in the service of a worthless boondoggle. Hill kept her cool throughout, providing America with a wealth of new GIFs to express bored bemusement. Check out Trevor Noah’s breakdown of the whole Kafkaesque affair from last night’s Daily Show.
2. The louder the monkey, the smaller the balls.
Howler monkeys: They’re just like those awful bros at the bar. A hilarious study has found that the volume of the call of the screechiest land mammal on the planet is directly related to the size of the individual animal’s testicles: the smaller the berries, the bigger the howl. Because who needs sperm when you can scream and scream and scream instead? These dudes are definitely compensating for something.
3. Earth is getting a Halloween asteroid flyby.
We hope you have your Ben Affleck-in-Armageddon costume ready, because NASA just so happened to notice that this October 31, a football stadium–sized asteroid is going to have a close brush with Earth. Dubbed—what else?—”Spooky,” the missile will come within about 300,000 miles of our planet. We should be A-OK, but the creepiest part of all is that scientists didn’t notice this thing coming until a few weeks before its arrival. Spooky indeed.
4. Cheese is super addictive.
Who among us hasn’t spent the greater part of a cocktail party hovering near the cheese tray, shoveling gobs of Humboldt Fog into their face? Turns out there’s a reason why you can’t seem to stop mainlining those gobs of dairy. The U.S. National Library of Medicine unveiled a study revealing that cheese can have similar effects on the body as drugs. It contains a protein called casein, which, when it’s digested, releases honest-to-god opiates into your body. That’s right, cheese actually makes you high. Which is probably why it tastes even better when you’re also high.
5. Life on Earth may be much older than we thought.
When it comes to the earliest evidence of life on our planet, conventional wisdom starts the timeline at 3.8 billion years ago. But UCLA researchers dug into zircon crystals (yes, those are real, non-sci-fi things) to discover traces of carbon-based stuff that’s 300 million years older than that. It’s not hard and fast proof that something was stirring in the primordial ooze that far back, but it’s a distinct possibility. If so, happy 4.1 billionth birthday, Earthlings.