Whether it’s your first sleepover or you’re two years into marriage, there is simply no reason to start wearing pajamas circa 1975—unless we’re talking the band The 1975 and tour dates are etched upon the back of the button-down top.

The worst guy out there is the one demanding Victoria’s Secret ad nauseam, eschewing flowers in favor of gifts certificates to lingerie shops on birthdays, only to sport dingy boxers with piss stains on the front and a stringy, worn tee he describes as his “sentimental favorite” to bed every night.

I digress. Here are some pajamas to totally steer clear of….

1. The Mike Brady: Here’s the story of a man named Brady… who scored a hottie the second time around, and her three daughters, only to traipse about the house in matching top-and-bottom button-down jammers made of a cotton so that if Carol tried to rub him through them she’d have to actually tell him she was doing so for him to even know it was happening. By all means, you can buy these, but wear the bottoms without any shirt at all (or a tattered concert tee, and leave the top for her to drape over her loveliness, leaving just a hint of the panty down below).

2. Silk: Hey, Hef, 1977 called. You know what they want back. I’m not sure silk pajamas were ever a good idea, from an aesthetic perspective or because of the slip factor. You can straight up glide directly across the top of the bed when you’re hopping in, have a hell of a tough time moving about in them while in bed, plus you’re sending a message of “Everything is wine and roses, baby. I am top notch and top shelf all the way.” You don’t want her to get that message even if it is how you feel, believe me.

3. Thermal: I’m sorry, are you in Alaska? Even if you are, I’d refrain. While thermal jammies and/or underwear are the ultimate in keeping one warm, they’re not to be trotted about in front of the ladies, fellas. You might think it sends the message that you’re all about spooning, but she may receive one that says “I’m a cuddler!” Not that cuddling is bad, per say; it’s just, announcing it is. Further, thermal can retain moisture, thus making for a highly uncomfortable night’s sleep potentially, with chances strong that you will stink come morning.

4. Short Set: This is basically the pajama set, with button-down in full effect, but the bottoms are shorts. Shocked, right? Didn’t know they even existed? Good! Soldier on. Of course, that won’t make them go away, and even the married-est of men should shy away from these absolute mood-killers. They might be cute that first night—like a big ol’ onesie—but there’s an expiration date on these like no other.

5. The Onesie: As mentioned, the onesie’s got a cute factor going for it, conveying both an affability and a playfulness. It says, “I don’t take myself too seriously.” But think about that. Should she take you all that seriously then? Don’t get me wrong—a onesie is good to have around, both for that introductory night and as a “Get out of Jail Free” card. Much like that card from “Monopoly,” however, you can only use it so many times. Irresistible, but can be easily worn out. Oh, and impossible to sleep in, too. Access to the nether region is severely limited, and said access is crucial for a man to get a good night’s sleep.

Photo: Getty Images/4×6