Two minutes is amazing. But two hours might not be.
I’d say about 10 percent of movies with great trailers are actually great movies. If you were to make a Venn diagram with two circles, one for movies with cool trailers and one for movies that are actually worth watching, the two circles would only barely overlap. It would be a small sliver of both-circle-ness.
And now we’re inching closer to summer—also known as the high season for amazing effing trailers for movies that are not in fact amazing.
Think of it this way: All those movies on HBO and Showtime and Cinemax at 2 a.m. now? They were once brand-new flicks that you were excited about watching due to their promising two-minute video teaser. And we all know how that turned out. (Full movies that are just sort of eh.) A lot of these upcoming summer movies are just future Cinemax filler.
So to save you 15 bucks—and hours of your life you will never get back—here are a few trailers for films we can all but guarantee will be a letdown for anyone expecting excellent cinema…
Captain America: Civil War (May 6th)
Why we love the trailer: Let’s start with William Hurt with hair. Spectacularly slicked-back gray hair. He could be Keanu Reeves’ father. Then there’s Bob Downey. He was born to make funny quips in superhero movie trailers. The Spider-Man reveal at the end is fun.
Why the movie will probably suck: Its ultra-ultra-ultra-serious tone will grow tiresome. By hour two you will want to punch the movie in its perfect teeth.
X-Men: Apocalypse (May 27th)
Why we love the trailer: I’m never going to complain about Jennifer Lawrence in blue bodypaint or Olivia Munn in a tight costume, wielding swords.
Why the movie will probably suck: It’s directed by Bryan Singer. Bryan Singer directed Superman Returns. I rest my case.
Ghostbusters (June 8th)
Why we love the trailer: Come on, it’s a new Ghostbusters movie!!! With Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy and those two women from the current cast of SNL!!!
Why the movie will probably suck: It’s been in development for decades. Which usually isn’t a great sign. And the whole “let’s make them women!” angle was only agreed upon in the last couple of years. Which is sort of like spending a week prepping a massive Thanksgiving feast and then deciding in the final hour to make it vegetarian.
Independence Day: Resurgence (June 24th)
Why we love the trailer: “Why are they screaming?” / “They’re not screaming. They’re celebrating.”
Why the movie will probably suck: The original came out in 1996. That’s 20 years ago. That’s a long time. They’re going to be making call-back references for things that you forgot about 19 and a half years ago. Also, they couldn’t get Will Smith for this. Or even the best Hemsworth.
Swiss Army Man (June 24th)
Why we love the trailer: It’s just so weird. Like nothing you’ve ever seen before. And it makes you wonder how the hell it got made. But you’re impressed that it did. Daniel Radcliffe plays a farting corpse. Paul Dano is Dano-ing it up as a man stranded on a desert island. That’s pretty much all you need to know.
Why the movie will probably suck: Because apparently a good number of the people who saw it at Sundance walked out halfway through.
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (July 8th)
Why we love the trailer: It gives you pretty much the entire goofy story and puts a smile on your face. Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza are attractive, humorous girls. “I manage a hedge fund. We hedge it. We hedge it hard.”
Why the movie will probably suck: The funniest parts were placed in the trailer, so all of the film’s outrageous surprises won’t be surprises anymore. Plus, three minutes of Adam DeVine acting like an idiot goes down a lot easier than 90.