diane-lane

by TylerV

About half a century after Columbus sailed the ocean blue, a guy named Ponce decided to go across the world too. Unlike the rest of the conquistadors, Ponce tired of exploiting native peoples to become wealthy and went a-looking for something more legendary than gold–the infamous Fountain of Youth.

Tales vary on the catalyst that sent ol’ De Leon up from Puerto Rico to Florida in search of the original health spa. It seems likely that is was the same two things that motivate most guys going through a mid-life crisis: anxiety over the icy hand of Death and sexual impotency. Other men buy sports cars, Ponce scours the land for a mystical lake of rejuvenation. Basically the same thing.

He never found it, though. Even in our age of plastic surgery and Viagra, we’re just barely getting by. However, there have always been women who seem to have found that fabled fountain, untouched by the ravages of time, staying scintillating into their golden years. Benjamin Button may age in a curious way, but these sexy cougars probably would’ve aroused old Ponce’s curiosity (and his codpiece) in the worst way.

MARIA BELLO

Ms. Bello validates “sexy older woman” license in two roles that you must be familiar with as a red-blooded man: a down-on-her-luck-yet-still impossibly sexy cocktail waitress in The Cooler and a quaint-yet-still-kinky housewife in A History of Violence. We needed all of those hyphens to accurately convey how hot she gets the average male viewer when she dons a cheerleader outfit. You may also know her big break in a little film called Coyote Ugly alongside Piper Perabo, Tyra Banks, and Bridget Moynahan. She’s a no-nonsense woman who’s attitude is a huge part of her allure. And, as all of you Italian scholars out there know (or, if you are just Italian), bello is the Italian way of saying beautiful, as Maria exemplifies. It might not conjugated correctly for the feminine form, but if you tried to correct her, she’d probably kick your ass.

HEATHER LOCKLEAR

As my colleague Joe wrote in his Ladies of the 80s article, “There are some things in life that even science can’t explain.  How big is the universe? Where do babies come from? How has Heather Locklear been incredibly hot for upwards of thirty years?” I won’t begin to speculate on how she maintains her babe status, but Ms. Locklear’s lovely looks are about as sure as the sunrise. She’s the only thing that can keep a dude glued to the TV when a L’Oreal commercial comes on. Wow, that lip plumper really works!

SALMA HAYEK

I can already feel the complaints rising up from the comment section below: “How can Salma be on here?! She isn’t past her prime or anything at all!” Well, haters, Ms. Hayek is now 42 and still capable of hocking very sugary drinks to men who hate sugary drinks (see picture above). Despite being a knockout hottie in almost all of Robert Rodriguez’s flicks in the 90s, Ms. Hayek passed the 40 mark, and that means she has prowled over into cougar territory. Now, what was the name of that liquor again? Cam-perry? Party? Sure, whatever, Chickipedia will buy a whole case, please.

JANE SEYMOUR

Insert  “motor-boating” dialogue from The Wedding Crashers here. Seymour fully embraced her racy cougar image in that role. She has the raspy voice and forward nature that can reduce the most confident of younger men to the level of a seventh grader at his first dance, praying that his voice doesn’t break. She is a veteran television actress and, you might not know this from her recent roles, but she is originally from Hayes in London, England. That knowledge raises an interesting question: will the other few astoundingly beautiful actresses from England (basically Keira Knightley and Elizabeth Hurley) look as good as Ms. Seymour when they reach her age? Only time will tell.

DIANE LANE

It’s possible that even if old Ponce de Leon (didn’t forget about him, did you?) actually believed in a fountain that would bestow upon you eternal youth, he still might not have believed that Diane Lane could easily remain as hot or hotter as some of her younger co-stars as she aged well into her 40s. He may also have had a heart attack if he ever watched her jaw-dropping, steamy love scenes in the 2002 movie Unfaithful. Her beauty defies all laws of nature, science, and extra-terrestrial beings. The author is a bit biased, as he loves her in Lonesome Dove as well.

NICOLE KIDMAN

The awesome Aussie has been giving short men who love tall women a reason to live since the 90s when she was married to Tom Cruise (obviously, that didn’t work out so well, but the gesture is still encouraging). Her long and luxurious legs, classically glamorous looks, and sexy accent made her an instant movie sensation. Just as she was born to be a international star, she must have been born with unnatrually long-lasting hotness. Our Chickipedia scientists are still mapping the part of the genome that contains the genes for that trait, and with your generous contributions (in cash), we’ll be that much closer to finally locking it down! Wait, this site is free? Crap.

Honorable Cougar Mention: Anne Bancroft in The Graduate

Ms. Bancroft doesn’t have a Chicki profile, but as the original Hot Older Woman (the Alpha Cougar, so to speak), it seemed like she deserved a place on this list. If you haven’t seen the movie, do yourself a favor and put it in your Netflix queue. At the very top.