No one looks forward to kicking the bucket, but hey, if you’ve got to go, go out like a man. Life is finite and should be enjoyed as such, so live every day like tomorrow isn’t promised. When you reach the pearly gates, you don’t want the rest of the recently deceased to laugh at you for dying while playing video games. When it’s your time to go, give them something to talk about. Here are six of the manliest ways to die.
Firing Squad. What better way to be ripped out of the land of the living than to have a group of trained marksmen open fire on you while your hands are bound behind your back? If you want to add more man-points to this over-the-top death, ask to have the blindfold removed so you can see your end coming with the bullets. Bet you won’t.
In a High Speed Car Race. First of all, operating a tricked-out, high-powered performance speed machine is manly enough. Going out in a flaming blaze of glory in one of those machines at 200 miles per hour is insanely manly. You won’t feel any pain at all. Your crossover will be instantaneous. One minute, you’re racing to the finish line, and the next minute, you’re in line with the rest of the recently deceased waiting to find out where you’ll be staying. Does the elevator go up or down? There’s a special place in the afterlife for stunt drivers, racers, and adrenaline junkies.
A Threesome or More. You and two women. Or three. Or four. Don’t share your passing into the afterlife with another guy; go out in a way that would make Hugh Hefner proud. Let your last moments in this world be filled with extreme debauchery-filled ecstasy. Oh, and you can’t just choose anyone. You have to have two or three or four of the baddest women walking the face of the Earth in bed with you. (Well, at least the baddest in your neighborhood.) Use an old school ‘70s porno waterbed, too. Go out in true man fashion.
In a Street Fight. Stupid, but manly. You couldn’t just walk away, could you? The guy stepped on your sneakers, and you just had to get even. One well-placed strike, and you’re down for the count and not getting up. Watching a million Bruce Lee flicks won’t make you a certified ass-kicker, but thinking you are one can get you killed.
In the Gym. Benching more than what you’re comfortable with for machismo purposes is a rather stupid and manly way to check out. (It’s funny how so many manly actions could be considered stupid.) All you need are your arms to give out under the weight of the benching bar, and you’re done. That metallic death trap can roll up your torso and crush your neck if you don’t have someone there to spot you. That’ll teach you to play Schwarzenegger when you’re really DeVito.
Jumping on a Grenade. All jokes aside, people don’t realize the risks that soldiers in the United States Armed Forces take on a daily basis. Dying in defense of your country or to save your fellow soldier is the most manly (as well as womanly) way anybody can go out. The people who die defending others have an express ride to the mansions and good life in the hereafter. There is no waiting in line for these types of heroes.