Becoming a father is unlike any other experience. When you hold your new little baby in your arms—the little person that literally shares your DNA—you wonder how anything else in life ever mattered. This small little person is the extent of all that is important in the world.
I call this the “honeymoon period.”
Because babies grow up. Your sweet little newborn, who slept so many hours of the day and always wanted to cuddle up next to you, will become the raging, wiggling, flesh-and-blood embodiment of every emotion on the spectrum and all that is unholy. That little person sharing your DNA will become the same person trying to break you.
As your newborn starts to transition into toddler mode, it becomes very clear how very awful all of our personalities are from the start. In fact, here are six reasons toddlers may be the worst human beings on the planet.
1. Toddlers are narcissists.
Your little one is finally playing by himself in the corner, being entertained by an older sibling’s forgotten toys, or kitchen tools, or an empty box. Now’s the time to relax and have a cup of coffee, right?
Wrong. You must pay attention at all times. At. All. Times. Doesn’t matter if she’s writing a sonnet or taking her socks out of her drawer for the hundredth time, if your eyes aren’t on her, giving her your utmost, you will pay for it in blood-curdling screams and/or destruction.
2. Toddlers are paranoid.
What? You left the room? You might as well have stabbed your toddler in the back. For all she knew, you could have been on a plane to Las Vegas—with another baby.
3. Toddlers are obsessive-compulsive.
GET THAT PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF HER HANDS NOW OR ELSE ALL IS LOST.
4. Toddlers are sadistic.
My toddler would love nothing more than to slap his brother in the face until he cries, and he would do it with a smile on his face.
I can’t emphasize this point enough: the only reason we’re still alive is because toddlers aren’t strong enough to kill us.
5. Toddlers are antisocial.
Who are these other kids you want your toddler to interact with? If they take his toys, there’s going to be trouble. If they mess up his carefully constructed Cheerio-and-Lego abstract art on the carpet, there’s going to be trouble. See: slaps in face.
6. Toddlers are emotionally dependent.
You’re having a bad day? You’re stressed out? Better get it together. Your toddler picks up on negativity faster than you can say “Here’s Sofie,” and will start to mirror your bad day right back to you. All is well, everyone. All is well.
So if you’re a fellow father of a toddler this Father’s Day, I salute you. It’s time to pat ourselves on the back for dealing with the worst of humanity on a day-to-day basis. They eventually grow up, right?