You took our advice and became intimidating to your peers and colleagues. Now it’s time to take some of those skills and apply them to one of the most dreaded of all manly activities — dumping your girlfriend. And if you’re going to do the dirty deed, make sure you pick the proper spot…
Deserted part of the park
No matter what you say, no matter how compelling your "It’s not you, it’s me" argument may be, if you dump your girlfriend, she’s going to be upset and she’s going to cry and possibly yell. So an isolated location is key. But if you dump her in your apartment… then what? "It’s over… you can go now. Take the trash out with you while you’re at it?"
That’s cold, man. Instead, pick an isolated location that is relationship neutral, like a deserted part of the closest park. Then you can break it off, let her cry and scream and moan to her heart’s content and then the two of you can LITERALLY go your separate ways.
Just make sure you don’t dump her: IN A CROWDED NIGHT CLUB. She’ll make a scene, you’ll both end up embarrassed and you’ll never be able to live down the reputation in that club again.
After a day of shopping
There’s nothing quite like retail therapy for a girl. The key to female euphoria rests somewhere in a long and tiring day of trying on outfits, getting waited on hand and foot by sales clerks and plunking down thousands of dollars on frivolous clothes that she’ll only wear twice.
And there are few other mind states you’d want your girl to be in when you kick her to the curb than that post-shopping buzz. Every time a bad feeling comes in, her mind will settle back on the clothes she just bought and the fact that you took just wasted an afternoon of your life to watch her try on outfits. You couldn’t be that big of a bastard, right?
Okay, so she’ll still cry and she’ll most likely yell, but when you walk out that door, she’ll have a slew of hot outfits ready and waiting… waiting for her to put on so she can go have some irrational sex with a stranger. Hooray!
You know what’s the opposite of a day of shopping? A DAY OF FOOTBALL. If you dump her after a Sunday afternoon of watching football on TV, she will stab you. This is a promise.
Sometimes things come to a head over a meal. If you feel like it’s time to end it with your girl and the two of you are in the mood for some grub, suggest a Thai restaurant. Thai places normally sit at the vortex of several different types of restaurants — they’re fancy, but not too fancy; they’re not cheap but not too expensive either; the food is spicy and delicious, but they offer less adventurous stuff like pad thai for the finicky eaters out there.
Basically, it’s the perfect inoffensive restaurant selection, which will serve your "gentle" break up really well.
A bad place to break up? IN AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT. A bad Italian place will just be way too cheesy for such a serious act and a nicer Italian place is what a girl pictures in her head she thinks of a romantic dinner, so breaking her heart at one would just be effed up.
A sad movie
Men hate weepy romantic movies because they are boring and don’t have any guns in them. But women (by and large) love these films. And a big part of the reason why is that they help put sad, weepy emotions into perspective; it was a love too good to last, one her rich parents and his dead grandmother would never allow. True love conquers all and sometimes vampires and werewolves fight over average looking chicks with no boobs.
These movies help girls make sense of the pain in a way that makes them feel better. Which makes a sad movie the perfect backdrop to dump her ass. After the credits roll, she’ll truly understand that it’s not her… and it’s not you either. It’s fate!
Do NOT take her TO A COMEDY, though. Especially nothing by Judd Apatow. Two and a half hours of ugly dudes hooking up with dumb, hot chicks does not properly prepare a girl for a breakup, no matter how funny the jokes.
Dive bar near a friend’s house
If your girl is absolutely driving you nuts and the breakup is going to be more of an impromptu affair, redirect her to a dive bar near a good buddy’s place, order a couple rounds, let the liquid courage set in and then do the deed. Make a clean break, leave her reeling and upset and then head up to your buddy’s crib.
Yes this method is heartless, but it facilitates a few key things that will still help her get over you while keeping your rep intact — the scuzzy dive bar will be a great memory that will keep her disgusted with you; as she composes herself and looks around the scummy place, the wallpaper sweating with some mysterious brown liquid like in "Barton Fink," she’ll think to herself, "Why was I with this guy anyways?" She’s already taken a crucial step towards moving onward.
Plus, you did the low down deed in a place filled with the memories of low down deeds, so even if you’re a complete ass, your rep will more or less be in tact as you head up to your friend’s house (where you will be hiding… you coward).
A crappy dive bar is a better place to dump her than IN YOUR FAVORITE BAR, believe it or not. Even though she might take the breakup better, the locals at your favorite watering hole will never let you it down. Don’t poo where you eat.
Over the phone (if urgent)
You’re at the end of your rope. She’s at the peak of her insanity. And amidst her constant emails and calls to your work, you’ve come to the conclusion that this relationship needs to end NOW.
Best way to cut her loose? Close your office door. If you don’t have an office, head to a Starbucks bathroom… or wherever. Just find somewhere remote… and give her a call. And when she answers, feel free to lay it on.
You’ll find that over the phone, you’ll have the courage to say things to her you wouldn’t say to her in person. That’s because you can’t see the tears streaming down her face. And while normally, being able to see a person react leads to a kinder, nicer, more balanced breakup… clearly this chick gave up her kind and nice privileges when she checked in to crazy town (population: her and the band Crazy Town).
The phone is a far better emergency break up situation than the down and dirty alternative, INSTANT MESSAGE. Sure, you can dump her over IM, but that’s just too cowardly to even fathom.