If you’re a guy it’s likely that at some point in your life you’ve had the strong inclination to own a sword, however, swords are so dangerous, not just physically, but psychologically, sexually and in many other ways as well, we’ve put together a list of six reasons you should not buy a sword. Shockingly, you can buy replicas of swords that mimic historic swords all the way back to the dawn of history. Some are crafted in such a way that you can go hacking your shrubs in the back yard like a knight in a Monty Python skit. Read on and learn why any sensible man will keep his sword sheathed except for the most extreme situations.
Many swords are for display only. Many a man has whipped out his sword only to realize it’s only for show. Ladies, you may have laughed at one of these unfortunate gents caught in an awkward position. One poor bloke on QVC drew his sub-par samurai sword and began beating it (yes, beating his sword) on a chopping block. His weak wand snapped in two, the tip flying back and stabbing him in the bicep. You should not by a sword without becoming properly educated due to the amount of junk in the market.
You may join the Society for Creative Anachronism. The SCA, a group of odd scallywags who like to dress up and pretend we’re all living in the middle ages love sword wielding gentlemen. You might find yourself out in the heather listening to someone play a lute while you put the finishing touches on your historically accurate chain mail. Due to the dork factor and risk of never getting a date again, you will not want to buy a sword. Then again, there are chicks that like to dress as elves.
Your neighbors WILL call the cops on you if you begin trimming your hedges with a sabre. On some of the most respected sword buyers sites “pruning” is listed as one of the activities you’ll want to do once you’ve selected a sword that is built for swinging rather than hanging on the wall. The risk of facing off with your local patrol officer is yet another reason you should not buy a sword.
Ninjutsu gave way to modern tactics by 1603. Like the risk of joining the SCA, you should not by a ninja sword for fear of wearing black split-toed socks and sneaking around your neighborhood with a black hanky tied across your face.
You’ll have to learn self-control. Too many people have died of stab wounds from a sword. When Michael Brea, a bit actor on “Ugly Betty” stabbed his mom to death with a sword, he was not only locked up, but mocked heartily in the media. The same with Kevin Liverpool and Junior Bradshaw, the dorks who plotted to rob and kill singer Joss Stone with a sword. There seems to be something about wielding a sword that makes guys go a bit off. Or maybe they were just there in the first place. In any case, it’s a good reason not to buy a sword.
Rather than “invest” in a $300 sword, we’d like to recognize the merits of the modern battle axe, tactical knives, Tasers, pepper spray, and tac flashlights. Some of these items run a bit of risk themselves, but they are likely more useful when camping, walking down the street late at night, or just showing off your tactical style, and nobody will think you’re a D&D dork.
Milk bottles deserve to be recycled. One of the activities proudly displayed on pro sword owning websites is a slightly chubby dude slicing through a plastic milk bottle filled with water with his sword! Although it’s cool that the water splashes everywhere in a way that might be similar to the blood of the heathens, it’s still waaay too nerdy for a sophisticated gentleman! You should not buy a sword even if you thought it was cool in any one of Quentin Tarantino’s movies.