Earlier this week we critiqued a CNN Money article showing off some expensive ‘last minute’ Father’s Day gifts. A thousand bucks for a day of racing school? Get real.

But if a pat on the back, a cold beer and some male bonding aren’t enough for your Dad, we’ve got you covered. Here are 6 Ridiculous Dad’s Day Gifts That Don’t Suck:

6.) Sausage-Of-The-Month Club – $150

Your Dad hates all those salads Mom keeps making him eat. So why not put him out of his misery and let him enjoy the deliciously savory Sausage-Of-The-Month Club. They’re offering a Father’s Day special where you can join the Steak-Of-The-Month Club too for a discounted price.

If you’re worried about all the artery-clogging-goodness, you could try hollowing out the sausages and filling them with tofu instead. Then take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask what you’re doing with your life.

5.) Really Ugly Tie – $6.50

If your Dad has a job, he’s gotta have a neck tie! Oh too cliche? What’s he supposed to wear then? A bowtie to work? Maybe one of those stupid Texas string ones? Ties rule and having one particularly ugly one proves how loved you are.

Being the God-fearing man he is- your Dad will love this stunning What Would Jesus Do tie. But if he doesn’t like that one, maybe he’ll love to get his hands on this one.

4.) Personalized Manga-Style Portrait – $135

If all your pictures of dear old Dad involve screaming and empty beer bottles, you’ll want to take advantage of this offer. Order one of these adorable and very creepy Japanese manga-style portraits, send in a photo you’d like Manga-nized and you’ll have the best present ever in no time. It’s kind of like Pokemon or something, but with less fake animals.

If Dad doesn’t kick your ass first, he’ll probably love it.

3.) Rapid Beer Cooler – $60

Unless your Dad enjoys piss-warm beer, then he’ll definitely love you for this gift. Just slip a bottle or can of your Dad’s favorite beverage and this little gadget will cool it down.

Claims to bring a warm drink down to 40 degree Fahrenheit in 6 minutes. Also says “90 times faster than a refrigerator”, which might be the most arbitrary number the could have picked. Nonetheless, Dad’s love cool gadget that work sometimes. Remember that ‘enlargement device’ he got for his 50th birthday?

2.) Leather Gun Holster – $30

Is your Dad always accidentally dropping his gun and shooting himself? With this stylish leather gun holster, that won’t happen nearly as often. I won’t ask too many questions about why your Dad has a concealed firearm, so let’s just you don’t want to mess with him.

This $30 model is perfect for tucking right into your wasitband.

1.) Paternity Test – $99

What better way to enjoy a relaxing Father’s Day than finding out once and for all if that fat guy who yells at you is really your biological Father? The Maury Povich show always ends in some good laughs whenever they do these things. Why can’t your life be just as fun?

Paternity testing is discreet, easy and totally guaranteed. This $99 deal is for a limited time only so act now!

Hope this list helps you out this weekend. If not, maybe just start get a head start on Mother’s Day now.