Let’s clarify who Conan is. It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger and we all know it. We all want to look like him. Unfortunately, you have to be lucky to look like that. You have to be blessed with the right genes and an insane work ethic. The rest of us are left to look flabby and helpless. The rest of us are left to cry out for Conan the barbarian’s help. I’ve got good news for you. You live now, in the modern era. There are elective plastic surgeries out there that’ll get you looking, not fighting, like Arnold’s “Conan the Barbarian.”



Calf Implants. This is a niche surgery so you’ll need to find one of the few doctors in the U.S. who can do this procedure. Solid silicone implants are placed in the back of the lower leg and there is the risk of those implants sliding. Infection will follow sliding. Only get this surgery if you are committed to have glistening, barbarian-like calves.



Cheek Implants. Arnold has some beautiful, high cheek bones. His body is covered in muscle but his face has those delicately placed cheeks. You’ve got your choice of silicone implants, Goretex, or your own beautifully filling body fat. I’d go with the body fat because they got to take it off you somewhere. Lipo and cheeks in the same day.



Chin Implants. Barbarians are some form of humanoid whose bodies haven’t developed into the delicate human bodies we possess today. It is apparent in their strong chin. Enjoy this surgery while thin sheets of Goretex are inserted into your face and tacked to your chin with titanium screws. It’s worth it to look like Conan, though.



Peck Implants. Step aside, ladies. Breast implants aren’t just for women anymore. Raise your arm like you’re going to give a high-five, take some anesthesia, and let a doctor cut you open in the arm pit. The doc will use a medical device to create a pocket, not a boob, for your new silicone peck. Or, you could just do some pushups every day for a month.



Midsection Liposuction. Let’s face it. You checked out Conan’s V-shaped, barrel chest, haven’t you? You want it too, but don’t want to work for it. Well, you could just get the fat sucked out of your midsection. You’re going to want to tell the doctor to hit your belly and keep the fat, or silicone, in your chest area. You want that V-shape.



Shoulder Implants. Tell the doctor to throw some silicone in your deltoids while he’s in your boob giving you artificial pecks. Conan’s got that great shoulder mass that would get you recognizing a silhouette of him. If people don’t recognize your attempt to look like Conan at least you’ll look like a cast member of the Jersey Shore.


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Brow Ridge Augmentation. We’re going to say it: Arnold looks kind of like a caveman. It’s in that pronounced brow ridge. Get your face looking like a wax sculpture that represents the Neolithic period by getting a brow augmentation done. Those Goretex sheets will be molded under your skin and above your eye. They’ll be tacked down with those titanium screws that won’t let you through the airport without a hassle.