Hey guys. As you may recall, exactly one month ago I wrote a piece called 7 Lies All Women Tell Men. It got such a big response that I feel it’s only fair to let you in on a little secret: those aren’t the only lies. Hence, I’ve worked up a sequel—seven additional well-meaning untruths you might hear from even the sweetest girl you’ve ever met. Just like before, there are smooth ways to deal with them that can keep you sane and score you points. So read up and take notes. Here goes…
8. “I don’t mind that you’re still friends with your ex.”
What we really mean: “I do mind. In fact, I hate it.”
What to do about it: It’s kind of like the “Bro Code,” (made even more iconic by Barney Stinson’s bro-tastic character on How I Met Your Mother). But this time, it’s the boyfriend code (or girlfriend code—we have to play by the rules sometimes, too). No matter how much I convince myself I’m cuter/smarter/all-around-better than she is, it will always bother me when you hang out with her. And it’s rarely about me not trusting you. Instead—get ready for your ego to seriously inflate—it’s about me not trusting her. I just can’t imagine why she wouldn’t be after my man whom she lost. So please, steer clear of the predatory ex. It’ll save you some serious drama, I promise.
9. “I’m just one of those girls who can eat what they want and not gain weight!”
What we really mean: “I’m going to order a lot of food and pretend I can eat it all, but I probably won’t eat half of it.”
What to do about it: A guy appreciates a girl who can eat, amiright? But here’s the thing: we unlucky females can’t sustain a diet equal to yours and not sprout love handles for days. So yes, we might tell you that we love to eat—and most of us really do—to appear “cool” and not come off like one of those crazy calorie-counting chicks. And we might order a huge meal but push a good portion of it around our plates a la five-year-olds eating broccoli. Your best move is to roll with it. Whatever you do, don’t call us out if we actually do eat a lot. We just want the illusion of being able to keep up. Once you make it a reality, we’ll feel fat. It’s just how we are.
10. “You don’t have to get me anything for Valentine’s Day/our anniversary.”
What we really mean: “Please get me something.”
What to do about it: Sure, Valentine’s Day may be a “Hallmark holiday.” But most of us in America are suckers for commercialism, anyway, so we’re prepared to give and receive gifts on February 14th. If I’m telling you not to get me anything—for V Day or an anniversary—I’m trying to be humble and evolved, but I’m still hoping you’re so compelled to show me how much you care that you’ll give a little something anyway. You don’t have to max out your credit card on diamond earrings or a trip to Paris (I’d prefer Greece anyway, natch), but getting me something small when I “don’t want anything,” will earn you major points and spare you a week of passive aggressive drama.