The manliest of men have intimate knowledge about the moustaches men should wear. Upper lip adornments are the pinnacle of machismo, but you can’t just start growing hair under your nose with no regard for style, right? You’ve got to know which moustaches men should wear before you start growing your soup-strainer. There are a lot of choices out there. Lucky for you, this list will point out the best of the best. Without further ado, here’s the list of seven moustaches men should wear.
The Horseshoe. Two words for you: Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster has rocked this design since the beginning of time. This moustache has dropped the big leg on Andre the Giant and Macho Man Randy Savage. Truly there cannot be a stronger endorsement for a moustache than that. This list is supposed to be about the seven moustaches that men should wear, but this one is practically a moustache that men must wear.
The Fu Manchu. You know who was a real man? Genghis Khan. The Mongol leader from the 13th century ruled the better part of an entire continent, and do you know why? His moustache was awesome. If you grow this thing, absolute power is almost a foregone conclusion. Or at least a promotion. One or the other is probably good, right?
The Handlebar. Go ahead an dig up some old black-and-white photos of strongmen from the turn of the century. You see that moustache? That’s The handlebar. There can be little doubt that these guys drew most of their ability to lift comically large weights from their sweet moustaches. Even John L. Sullivan, the first recognized world heavyweight boxing champion, wore this moustache, and that was back when boxing was one hundred rounds of bareknuckle fighting. This one may take a while to grow, but it’s worth the effort. Wax it up to get that signature handlebar curve.
The Groucho. Why waste money on those cheap, corny, “fake moustache, big nose, and glasses” disguises when you can grow that moustache right on your face? Groucho Marx was a comedy legend, and the moustache had a lot to do with it. Bonus points if you grow your eyebrows to match this bushy ‘stache.
The Yosemite Sam. This is a pretty simple design. Just start growing your moustache, and then never, ever stop. Don’t trim it, don’t style it, nothing. Just let it grow until it stops, which hopefully will be somewhere around your knees. That’s how everyone’s favorite cartoon cowboy did it, and that’s how you should do it too. Six Shooters not included.
The Lemmy Kilmister. Motorhead frontman and bassist Lemmy has worn this so long that it’s finally been named in his honor. Rare is the moustache that is equal parts lip cover, beard, and sideburn, but he’s deftly pulled it off for three decades or so. You may not have Kilmister’s trademark raspy voice, but you can look like a heavy metal god with his signature style.
There you have it, the seven moustaches men should wear. Use this knowledge wisely, for these moustaches are not to be taken lightly. Each has a power far greater than the ability to keep your upper lip warm while making you look cool. Remember, a moustache is not a toy. It’s a responsibility.