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Las Vegas is a shiny beacon of manliness. The bright lights can be seen in the desert for miles and it attracts men with dreams. Dreams of hooking up with copious amounts of women, winning an ungodly amount of money and riding around town in a stretch limo that is equipped with a Jacuzzi. Most of the time the trip ends with a bunch of guys that look like they just got hit in the face while trying to piece the events of the previous night together. Make a plan before you enter the belly of the beast, so at least you have a vague idea of what you did.

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Overpay for a VIP Table

Arrive to your favorite club around 11 p.m., walk right past everyone in line and talk to the security guy. Tell him you want table and bottle service. The price tab will be steep, but you’ll be let right in. Once inside you’ll find that the tables are the only place in the venue to sit and your bottle of vodka acts as a fly zapper for attractive females. You can invite people to join you in your own section of the club. Do this with a bunch of buddies to dilute the cost.

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Pretend to be Somebody Else

Play a game. Go around town telling other people that you are a something outrageous and see if your buddies can keep it going all night. Tell everyone you are deep sea divers that have been hired to salvage a wreck in Lake Mead. Tell them you lost a man down there this morning. You know, just for fun.

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See the Crazy Horse Show in the MGM

Three depressing things about strip clubs in Las Vegas: They are expensive, far away and they aren’t all nude. Save some money and see a high-end strip show. Go to the Crazy Horse in the MGM where you’ll find the hottest women in the world performing a choreographed strip tease. It’s so classy you might be able to round up some girls to go with you.

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Ride Something on the Top of the Stratosphere

Your balls will jump back into your body on top of the Stratosphere. The tallest building on the West Coast lets you choose between a centrifuge that holds you out over the edge of the building, a tower-of-terror type ride that shoots you high above the building, or they’ll let you jump off the building with a zip line.

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Hike Ice Box Canyon

You ever hear a good pop song that starts out slow, hits you with a fast-paced chorus then slows back down again? You can’t enjoy the craziness without stillness. Fortunately there is a National Recreation Area in the city limits of Las Vegas. Just go west on Charleston Boulevard until it ends and a giant red rock canyon begins. Take the loop road around to Ice Box Canyon and hike it to the end where you’ll find some Zen at an 80-foot waterfall.

Get Fat at the Carnival World Buffet

It’s not quality here; it’s quantity. Ask any cab driver in town and they’ll tell you the best buffet is in the Rio with the Carnival World Buffet. Get stupid fat with a line of food that spans about a football field.

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Rehab

This meat market is unleashed on Sundays during the summer. It’s complete debauchery and Las Vegas’s most infamous pool party. Employees are always getting arrested for prostitution and drug sales. The women wear next-to-nothing and there are carts that sell copious amounts of booze. Go forth into the belly of the beast.