Sure, you’re not thirteen anymore, but hot chicks and hot thoughts can still leave a man in need of a very cold shower. Pronto. In your defense however, it’s not always sexual thoughts alone that can arouse your man part; you can end up with an erection anytime blood decides to race to the corpora cavernosa, also known as the “erection chambers.” Your choices include going with the flow (so to speak) and making a stupid joke while trying to laugh it off, or trying to hide your erection in a cool, calm and collected manner with one of these stealthy moves.

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Untuck your shirt. Long shirts can be godsends when it comes to hiding soup spills, blood stains and the unwanted erection. Simply grabbing at your shirt and ripping it out of your waistband may look a little odd, so preface the move accordingly. Say something about your shirt bunching up or your stuffy look getting on your nerves, then gently and discretely pull your shirt down to cover your groin area.

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Block it with a book, newspaper or other nearby object. Reading material is grand for hiding an erection, especially if it’s a giant, hardcover book or tabloid-size paper. Other everyday object that can work include plates, menus, napkins on the lap, shopping carts and bags or your backpack. Holding the object nonchalantly in front of you with a loose arm makes it look like a natural, casual move. Don’t be sudden or jaunty about it, or you’ll just call more attention to the area.


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Create a distraction on the other side of the room. If you’re into ventriloquism you have an automatic distraction. Make that tall potted plant start talking. If you’re not, you can always create a hubbub to pull all eyes away from your direction by hurling plates, menus, shopping bags or whatever you were going to put on your lap. Throw a large bomb or grenade. Pointing at a strange sign, person or other entity and yelling, “Look,” can also veer eyes in a direction other than your pants.

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Give in to the sudden urge to bend over. Bend over to tie your shoe. Bend over to prove you can touch your toes. Bend over to pick imaginary lint off the bottom of your shoe. Bending at the waist can not only hide the erection, but it can also take people’s attention to whatever you’re bending to reach. That means they’ll be looking at your shoelace instead of your crotch.


Start wearing briefs instead of boxers. If sudden, uncontrollable erections are an ongoing deal, switching to briefs will at least keep it less obvious. Briefs can help smash down your privates and keep unwanted lumps closer to your body. Baggy, clown-like pants can also help, as long as you don’t mind looking like a moron.


Pretend you are about to vomit. Suddenly becoming ill can be nearly as effective as suddenly needing to bend over to touch your toes when it comes to hiding an erection. Bent over and grab your stomach, getting extra points for un-tucking your shirt in the process, and run to the nearest bathroom or alleyway. If you remain within earshot, make audible groaning and retching noises.

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Think about something twisted and sick. Twisted, sick thoughts can often turn off the erection switch by steering your brain in a non-sexual direction. Imagine someone stabbing you in the eye with a butcher knife. Think of getting hit by a street sweeper or bus. Call to mind the goriest movie you’ve recently seen. Of course, these images will not work worth a darn if you happen to get aroused by sick, twisted things.